WIVES

“Father,” said a little boy, “had Solomon seven hundred wives?”

“I believe so, my son,” said the father.

“Well, father, was he the man who said, ’Give me liberty or give me death?’”—­Town Topics.

A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage concerning Solomon’s household.

“Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?” inquired the old woman, after reflection.

“Oh, yes, Mary!  It is so stated in the Bible.”

“Lor’, mum!” was the comment.  “What privileges them early Christians had!”

CASEY—­“Now, phwat wu’u’d ye do in a case loike thot?”

CLANCY—­“Loike phwat?”

CASEY—­“Th’ walkin’ diligate tils me to stroike, an’ me ould woman orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin’.”

Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man should have received the place.  The governor listened quietly and then said: 

“Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams?  One day Mose sought his employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired: 

“‘Say, boss, is yo’ gwine to town t’morrer?’

“‘I think so.  Why?’

“‘Well, hit’s dishaway.  Me an’ Easter Johnson’s gwine to git mahred, an’ Ah ‘lowed to ax yo’ ter git a pair of licenses fo’ me.”

“I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very happy.”

“The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was waiting for him.

“’Did you git ’em, boss?” he inquired eagerly.

“‘Yes, here they are.’

“Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head.  ’Ah’m po’ful sorry yo’ got ’em, boss!’

“‘Whats the matter?  Has Easter gone back on you?’

“‘It ain’t dat, boss.  Ah done changed mah min.’  Ah’m gwine to mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis’ Mason’s, for she sholy can cook!’

“Well, I’ll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost you fifty cents more.’

“Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change made.  Again he found Mose waiting for him.

“‘Wouldn’t change hit, boss, would he?’

“‘Certainly he changed it.  I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.’

“‘Ah was hopin’ he wouldn’t do it.  Mah min’s made up to mahry Easter Johnson after all.’

“’You crazy nigger, you don’t know what you do want.  What made you change your mind again?’

“‘Well, boss, Ah been thinkin’ it over an’ Ah jes’ ’lowed dar wasn’t fifty cents wuth ob diff’runce in dem two niggers.’”

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew on buttons before they come off.

“What are you cutting out of the paper?”