VALUE

“The trouble with father,” said the gilded youth, “is that he has no idea of the value of money.”

“You don’t mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?”

“Not at all.  But he puts his money away and doesn’t appear to have any appreciation of all the things he might buy with it.”

VANITY

MCGORRY—­“I’ll buy yez no new hat, d’ yez moind thot?  Ye are vain enough ahlriddy.”

MRS. MCGORRY—­“Me vain?  Oi’m not!  Shure, Oi don’t t’ink mesilf half as good lookin’ as Oi am.”

“Of course,” said a suffragette lecturer, “I admit that women are vain and men are not.  There are a thousand proofs that this is so.  Why, the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar.”  There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently behind his neck.

A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as great a beauty as her mother.

It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying about.  During the conversation the little girl amused herself by examining the milliner’s creations.  Of the number that she tried on, she seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her light hair charmingly.  Turning to her mother, the little girl said: 

“I look just like you now, Mother, don’t I?”

“Sh!” cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger.  “Don’t be vain, dear.”

That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which wounds our own.—­La Rochefoucauld.

VERSATILITY

A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: 

    “Dear Sir: 

    “I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music
    teacher, either lady or gentleman.  Having been both for
    several years I beg to apply for the position.”

VOICE

A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries.  He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass.

In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk, “Give me a can of corn” (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill falsetto, he continued) “and a sack of flour.”

“Well, don’t be in a hurry.  I can’t wait on both of you at once,” snapped the clerk.

ASPIRING VOCALIST—­“Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do anything with my voice?”