Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.

Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the sea.—­Democritus.

“Tis strange—­but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than fiction.”—­Byron.

TURKEYS

“Ah,” says the Christmas guest.  “How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!”

“Well,” says the host, “you never can tell.  This may be one of them.”—­Life.

TUTORS

  A tutor who tooted a flute
   Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. 
     Said the two to the tutor,
     “Is it harder to toot, or
   To tutor two tutors to toot?”

  —­Carolyn Wells.

TWINS

“Faith, Mrs. O’Hara, how d’ ye till thim twins aparrt?”

“Aw, ‘t is aisy—­I sticks me finger in Dinnis’s mouth, an’ if he bites I know it’s Moike.”—­Harvard Lampoon.

UMBRELLAS

A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it:  “This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight.  I shall be back in ten minutes.”  On returning to seek his property he found in its place a card thus inscribed:  “This card was left here by a man who can run twelve miles an hour.  I shall not be back.”

A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired.  At noon he had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedly started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat.

“That’s mine, sir,” said a woman at the next table.

He apologized and went out.  When he was going home in a street car with his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant got in.  She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said: 

“I see you had a good day.”

“That’s a swell umbrella you carry.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Did you come by it honestly?”

“I haven’t quite figured out.  It started to rain the other day and I stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped.  Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot.  So I stepped out and asked:  ’Where are you going with that umbrella, young fellow?’ and he dropped the umbrella and ran.”

One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella.  “It’s wonderful how I make things last,” he exclaimed.  “Look at this umbrella, now.  I bought it eleven years ago.  Since then I had it recovered twice.  I had new ribs put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a restaurant.  And here it is—­as good as new.”