MRS. CASEY—­“Shure, he’s good for a year yit.”

MRS. MURPHY—­“As long as thot?”

MRS. CASEY—­“Yis; he’s had four different doctors, and each one av thim give him three months to live.”—­Puck.

A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the judges of the superior court in a western state.  He had rambled on in such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively.

With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney ventured to observe:  “I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing on the time of this court.”

“My friend,” returned his honor, “there is a considerable difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity.”—­Edwin Tarrisse.

A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours.  At first all went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they narrowly escaped several collisions.

“What’s the matter?” demanded the passenger.  “Why are you driving so recklessly?  I’m in no hurry.”

“Ah, g’wan wid yez,” retorted the cabby.  “D’ye think thot I’m goin’ to put in me whole day drivin’ ye around for two hours?  Gitap!”

Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.

“Mercy on us!” exclaims his father.  “How you look!  You are soaked.”

“Please, papa, I fell into the canal.”

“What! with your new trousers on?”

“Yes, papa, I didn’t have time to take them off.”

A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride’s new home for the first time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice singing “Nearer, My God, to Thee.”  As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to begin her day’s work in such a beautiful frame of mind.

At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.

“Oh,” she replied, “that’s the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard.”

  There was a young woman named Sue,
  Who wanted to catch the 2:02;
    Said the trainman, “Don’t hurry
    Or flurry or worry;
  It’s a minute or two to 2:02.”

FATHER—­“Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you.”

On father’s return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged that she had again disobeyed.

FATHER (firmly)—­“You are going to be spanked.  You may choose your own time.  When shall it be?”

MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)—­“Yesterday.”

A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to chat with the farmer.  He noticed the hogs running wild and explained that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by shutting them in and feeding them well.