“That new steamer they’re building is a whopper,” says the man with the shoe button nose.

“Yes,” agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, “but my uncle is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it he can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm.”

STENOGRAPHERS

A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent.  On the morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer.

“I presume,” she remarked, “that you begin the day over here the same as they do in New York?”

“Oh, yes,” replied the employer, without glancing up from a letter he was reading.

“Well, hurry up and kiss me, then,” was the startling rejoinder, “I want to get to work.”

STOCK BROKERS

  A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,
  Said, “That market gives me a pain;
    I can hardly bear it,
    To bull—­I don’t dare it,
  For it’s going against the grain.”

  —­Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha.

STRATEGY

A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week.  The owner put this “ad” in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly as he wrote it: 

LOST OR RUN AWAY—­One livver culered burd dog called Jim.  Will show signs of hyderfobby in about three days.  The dog came home the following day.

“Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12.”

“My, sir, you’re the fourth gentleman wot’s sent her flowers to-day.”

“What’s that?  What the deuce?  W—­who sent the others?”

“Oh, they didn’t send any names.  They all said, ’She’ll know where they come from.’”

“Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who sent the other three boxes.”

The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some of the words she met with.  “Vinegar” had given her the most trouble, and she was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained by her efforts in this direction.

She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get it filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered in the store.  So she handed the jug to the clerk with: 

“Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart.”

A young couple had been courting for several years, and the young man seemed to be in no hurry to marry.  Finally, one day, he said: 

“Sall, I canna marry thee.”

“How’s that?” asked she.

“I’ve changed my mind,” said he.

“Well, I’ll tell thee what we’ll do,” said she.  “If folks know that it’s thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another chap; but if they think I’ve given thee up then I can get all I want.  So we’ll have banns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say to thee, ‘Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?’ and thou must say, ‘I will.’  And when he says to me, ’Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?’ I shall say, ‘I winna.’”