RHEUMATISM

FARMER BARNES—­“I’ve bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it’s going to rain, ye know.”

MRS. BARNES—­“To tell when it’s goin’ to rain!  Why, I never heard o’ such extravagance.  What do ye s’pose th’ Lord has given ye th’ rheumatis for?”—­Tit-Bits.

ROADS

A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America.

“Yes,” said the American, “but it’s nothing to the mud over here.”

“Nonsense!” said the Englishman.

“Fact,” the American replied.  “Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable adventure—­came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman—­all through your confounded mud.”

“Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit,” said the Englishman.  “What was your adventure, though?”

“Well,” said the American, “as I was walking along I noticed that the mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large puddle of very rich ooze.  Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath, surprised and frowning.  ‘Hello!’ I said.  ‘You’re in pretty deep!’ ‘Deeper than you think,’ he said.  ‘I’m on the top of an omnibus!’”

ROASTS

As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham eat.  At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the bell and said: 

“Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around.  I think he is done on that side.”

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some years ago, while he was president.  The host met them with coat and collar off, mopping his brow.

“Ah, gentlemen,” he said, “dee-lighted to see you.  Dee-lighted.  But I’m very busy putting in my hay just now.  Come down to the barn with me and we’ll talk things over while I work.”

Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.

Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and—­but where was the hay?

“John!” shouted the President.  “John! where’s all the hay?”

“Sorry, sir,” came John’s voice from the loft, “but I ain’t had time to throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday’s delegation.”

SALARIES

A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank.  The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, “I hope you’re not afraid of microbes.”

“Not a bit of it,” the schoolma’am replied.  “I’m sure no microbe could live on my salary!”—­Frances Kirkland.