“I’ve been workin’ out on Howell’s ranch,” replied Lizzie, “diggin’ post-holes while I was gittin’ my strength back.”

RETALIATION

You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that’s always comin’ up and thumpin’ ye on the chest and yellin’, ‘How are ye?’”

“I know him.”

“I’ll bet he’s smashed twinty cigars for me—­some of them clear Havanny—­but I’ll get even with him now.”

“How will you do it?”

“I’ll tell ye.  Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry my cigars.  He’ll hit me just once more.  There’s no cigar in me vest pocket this mornin’.  Instead of it, there’s a stick of dynamite, d’ye mind!”

Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock.  It was done to perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter.  The great orator’s friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption.

But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm.  He stopped speaking, listened till the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out his watch.  Then he said:  “That’s strange.  My watch says it is only ten o’clock.  But there can’t be any mistake about it.  It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible.”

An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of Boston’s most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his name left out of the telephone book.  A prominent merchant of the same name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to officiate at funerals and baptisms.  He went to the rector, told his troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in the directory.  But without success.

The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company.  As he was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and the timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him at once.  A happy thought came to the merchant:  “No, I’m too damn busy writing my sermon,” he replied.

REVOLUTIONS

Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.

As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a third was about to be caught between them.

The commander of the third party saw the predicament.  On the right government troops, on the left insurgents.

“General, why do you not give the order to fire?” asked an aide, dashing up on a lame mule.

“I would like to,” responded the general, “but, Great Scott!  I can’t remember which side we’re fighting for.”

REWARDS

  Said a great Congregational preacher
  To a hen, “You’re a beautiful creature.” 
    And the hen, just for that,
    Laid an egg in his hat,
  And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.