The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who had long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to do.  The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied: 

“Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an’ a foine job too!  Oi’m gettin’ three dollars a day fur pullin’ down a Prodesant church!”

A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a policeman.  “Hold on,” he cried, “you mustn’t arrest me.  I’m a somnambulist.”  To which the policeman replied:  “I don’t care what your religion is—­yer can’t walk the streets in yer nightshirt.”

The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof against differences in race and religion.  Each distinguished for his learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each other.  They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its flavor.  Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he addressed his friend: 

“Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?”

“At your wedding, Father Kelly,” retorted the rabbi.

The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded see only their differences.—­Chinese Proverb.

REMEDIES

MISTRESS—­“Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?”

MAID—­“Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!”

SUFFERER—­“I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it.”

FRIEND—­“Now, you don’t need any medicine.  I had a toothache yesterday and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the pain soon passed away.  Why don’t you try the same?”

SUFFERER—­“I think I will.  Is your wife at home now?”

  For every ill beneath the sun
  There is some remedy or none;
  If there be one, resolve to find it;
  If not, submit, and never mind it.

REMINDERS

The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast: 

“Will you post this letter for me, dear?  It’s to the furrier, countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole.  You’ll be sure to remember?”

The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy.  He seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a corner, and going to his wife, he said: 

“Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won’t forget!”

REPARTEE

Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn’t say until the next morning.

Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures.  The boss, thinking that he would get ahead of Pat, said:  “Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get out of a yard?”