“‘I’ve no place to hide you here, Ole,’ said I.

“‘You moost, you moost!’ screamed Ole.

“‘Crawl into that gunny-sack then,’ said I.

“He’d no more’n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.

“‘Seen Ole?’ said he.

“‘Don’t see him here,’ said I, without lyin’.

“Then the sheriff went a-nosin’ round an’ pretty soon he spotted the gunny-sack over in the corner.

“‘What’s in here?’ said he.

“‘Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,’ said I.

“With that he gives it an awful boot.

“‘Yingle, yingle, yingle!’ moaned Ole.”

MOTHER—­“Tommy, if you’re pretending to be an automobile, I wish you’d run over to the store and get me some butter.”

TOMMY—­“I’m awful sorry, Mother, but I’m all out of gasoline.”—­Judge.

“Children,” said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, “you should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write what is in you.  Do not imitate any other person’s writings or draw inspiration from outside sources.”

As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following composition:  “We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what is in us.  In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner.”

“A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,” says a New York artist, “and it must be confessed that some ground has been given to the enemy.  Why, there recently came to my notice a picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked ‘Nebuchadnezzar’ in the corner, in cuneiform characters.”

RECALL

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—­“Johnny, what is the text from Judges?”

JOHNNY-"I don’t believe in recalling the judiciary, mum.”

“Senator, why don’t you unpack your trunk?  You’ll be in Washington for six years.”

“I don’t know about that.  My state has the recall.”

RECOMMENDATIONS

A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling.  In acquitting them the court, with great severity, said: 

“There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me.”

Next day the firm’s advertisement appeared in every available medium with the following, well displayed:  “Reference as to probity, by special permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England.”

MISTRESS—­“Have you a reference?”

BRIDGET—­“Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it.”

There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener for dishonesty.  For the sake of the man’s wife and family, however, he gave him a “character,” and framed it in this way:  “I hereby certify that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed.”