“But that is nothing,” contended the gentleman; “it’s the expense in Washington.  I’ve been there, and know all about it.”

“Well you didn’t lose by it, and it doesn’t cost any more because you come from California.”

The gentleman became very earnest.

“Doesn’t it?” he exclaimed in a business-like tone.  “Why my dear sirs, I used to have to send home every month about half a dozen busted office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, and I could stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send them out here, and I’m no millionaire; therefore, as much as I regret it, I must insist on declining.”

“On a trip to Washington,” said Col.  W.F.  Cody.  “I had for a companion Sousa, the band leader.  We had berths opposite each other.  Early one morning as we approached the capital I thought I would have a little fun.  I got a morning paper, and, after rustling it a few minutes, I said to Sousa: 

“‘That’s the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!’

“‘What’s that?’ came from the opposite berth.

“’Why he’s ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot and sent home.’

“You should have seen the general consternation that ensued.  From almost every berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains, and with one accord nearly every man shouted: 

‘What’s that?’”

OLD AGE

See Age.

OLD MASTERS

See Paintings.

ONIONS

  Can the Burbanks of the glorious West
    Either make or buy or sell
  An onion with an onion’s taste
    But with a violet’s smell?

SHE—­“They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away.”

HE—­“Why stop there?  An onion a day will keep everybody away.”

OPERA

“Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?” asked Mrs.
Cumrox.

“There are several I haven’t heard, aren’t there?” rejoined her husband.

“Yes.”

“Then I guess it’s one of them.”

OPPORTUNITY

Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.—­Life.

  Who seeks, and will not take when once ’tis offer’d,
  Shall never find it more.

  —­Shakespeare.

  In life’s small things be resolute and great
  To keep thy muscles trained; know’st thou when fate
  Thy measure takes? or when she’ll say to thee,
  “I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!”

  —­Emerson.

OPTIMISM

Optimism is Worry on a spree.—­Judge.

An optimist is a man who doesn’t care what happens just so is doesn’t happen to him.