—­Campbell.

NATIVES

FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)—­“Seventh standard, is she?  Plays the planner an’ talks French like a native, I’ll bet.”

FOND BUT “TOUCHY” PARENT—­“I’ve no doubt that’s meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it ‘appens you’re only exposin’ your ignorance; they ain’t natives in France—­they’re as white as wot we are.”—­Sketch.

NATURE LOVERS

“Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?”

“What for?”

“For my father over yonder in the park.  He’s a trifle deaf and he hasn’t heard a robin this summer.”

NAVIGATION

The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn’t go on.

“Can’t see up the river, madam.”

“But, Captain,” she persisted, “I can see the stars overhead.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said the Captain, “but until the boilers bust we ain’t goin’ that way.”

NEATNESS

The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages.

A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another side to the matter.

“Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?” asked the farmer, as he made final preparations for the night.

“Yes, Josiah,” she replied.  “Why do you ask?”

“Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning.”

NEGROES

A colored girl asked the drug clerk for “ten cents’ wuth o’ cou’t-plaster.”

“What color,” he asked.

“Flesh cullah, suh.”

Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.

The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said: 

“I ast for flesh cullah, an’ you done give me skin cullah.”  A cart containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule.  The driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in a twinkling.  He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked him.

“Is he hurt?” asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.

“No, Boss,” was the older man’s reply; “dat mule will probably walk kind o’ tendah for a day or two, but he ain’t hurt.”

In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a broad brogue.  They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.