“They kill you,” was the reply, “with elocution.”

When Daniel got into the lions’ den and looked around he thought to himself, “Whoever’s got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won’t be me.”

Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner.  Mr. Choate was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him, which he did thus:  “Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate, America’s most inveterate after-dinner speaker.  All you need to do to get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner and up comes your speech.”

Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said:  “Mr. Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of Senator Depew’s speeches up will come your dinners.”

Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story: 

“I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet given at a country hotel.  All the farmers were there and all the village characters.  I was asked to make a speech.

“‘Now,’ said I, with the usual apologetic manner, ’it is not fair to you that the toastmaster should ask me to speak.  I am notorious as the worst public speaker in the State of New York.  My reputation extends from one end of the state to the other.  I have no rival whatever, when it comes—­’ I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who had stuck too close to the beer pitcher.

“‘Gentlemen,’ said he, ’I take ’ception to what this here man says.  He ain’t the worst public speaker in the state.  I am.  You all know it, an’ I want it made a matter of record that I took ‘ception.’

“‘Well, my friend,’ said I, ’suppose we leave it to the guests.  You sit down while I say my piece, and then I’ll sit down and let you give a demonstration.’  The fellow agreed and I went on.  I hadn’t gone far when he got up again.

“‘’S all right,’ said he, ‘you win; needn’t go no farther!’”

Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship.  When the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner.  Speech-making time came.  Mark Twain had the first chance.  He spoke twenty minutes and made a great hit.  Then it was Mr. Depew’s turn.

“Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the famous raconteur as he arose, “Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to trade speeches.  He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the pleasant manner in which you received it.  I regret to say that I have lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to say.”

Then he sat down.  There was much laughter.  Next day an Englishman who had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room.  “Mr Clemens,” he said, “I consider you were much imposed upon last night.  I have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal rot.”