MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS

PASSER-BY—­“What’s the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?”

THE BOY—­“Why, the doctor has just been around examinin’ us an’ one of the deficient boys is knockin’ th’ everlastin’ stuffin’s out of a perfect kid.”

MEDICINE

The farmer’s mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by.  The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule.  The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal some powders.  The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road.  The farmer looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.

“How much did that medicine cost, Doc?” he asked.

“Oh, about fifteen cents,” said the physician.

“Well, give me a quarter’s worth, quick!” And he swallowed it.  “I’ve got to catch that mule.”

“I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy—­the pills three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime.”

“Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi’ the pills, but I’m about six weeks in front wi’ the whusky.”

Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a western newspaper.  He wrote:  “Wanted—­a gentleman to undertake the sale of a patent medicine.  The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to the undertaker.”

I firmly believe that if the whole materia medico could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the worse for the fishes.—­O.W.  Holmes.

A man’s own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt of, is the best physic to preserve health.—­Bacon.

MEEKNESS

One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.

“What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?” demanded the wife.

“I am making a wish,” meekly responded the husband.

“A wish?”

“Yes, my dear.  In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will.”

MEMORIALS

Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.  Said the cook: 

“Dat’s all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don’t want no flowers on my grave.  Jes’ plant a good old watermelon-vine; an’ when she gits ripe, you come dar, an’ don’t you eat it, but jes’ bus’ it on de grave, an’ let de good old juice dribble down thro’ de ground!”