See also Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble.

MARRIAGE FEES

A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand for the marriage fee.  It was not forth-coming.  Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources.  The father was obdurate.  “No money, no marriage.”

“Give me l’ave, your riverence,” said the blushing bride, “to go and get the money.”

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing.  After a short interval she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all.  When the parting was taking place the newly-made wife seemed a little uneasy.

“Anything on your mind, Catherine?” said the father.

“Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now.”

“Certainly not, Catherine.  No man can put you asunder.”

“Could you not do it yourself, father?  Could you not spoil the marriage?”

“No, no, Catherine.  You are past me now.  I have nothing more to do with your marriage.”

“That aises me mind,” said Catherine, “and God bless your riverence.  There’s the ticket for your hat.  I picked it up in the lobby and pawned it.”

MANDY—­“What foh yo’ been goin’to de post-office so reg’lar?  Are yo’ corresponding wif some other female?”

RASTUS—­“Nope; but since ah been a-readin’ in de papers ’bout dese ‘conscience funds’ ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah from dat ministah what married us.”—­Life.

  The knot was tied; the pair were wed,
  And then the smiling bridegroom said
  Unto the preacher, “Shall I pay
  To you the usual fee today. 
  Or would you have me wait a year
  And give you then a hundred clear,
  If I should find the marriage state
  As happy as I estimate?”
  The preacher lost no time in thought,
  To his reply no study brought,
  There were no wrinkles on his brow: 
  Said he, “I’ll take three dollars now.”

MATHEMATICS

See Arithmetic.

MATRIMONY

See Marriage.

MEASURING INSTRUMENTS

“Golly, but I’s tired!” exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Washington Street.

“What you been doin’ to get tired?” demanded the other.

“Well,” explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, “over to Brother Smith’s dey are measurin’ de house for some new carpets.  Dey haven’t got no yawdstick, and I’s just ezactly six feet tall.  So to oblige Brother Smith, I’s been a-layin’ down and a-gettin’ up all over deir house.”