“Two weeks!  Hell!” he said.  “I won’t be out of here in three years.”

IMAGINATION

One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages.

“I am older than you,” he said, “’cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your’s don’t come till September.”

“Of course your birthday comes first,” she sneeringly retorted, “but that is ’cause you came down first.  I remember looking at the angels when they were making you.”

The mother instantly summoned her daughter.  “It’s breaking mother’s heart to hear you tell such awful stories,” she said.  “Don’t you remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?”

“Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying.  I saw them carried into the corner drug store!”

IMITATION

Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of As You Like It near Boston.  The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice.

One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity: 

“I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick.”

INFANTS

A wife after the divorce, said to her husband:  “I am willing to let you have the baby half the time.”

“Good!” said he, rubbing his hands.  “Splendid!”

“Yes,” she resumed, “you may have him nights.”

“Is the baby strong?”

“Well, rather!  You know what a tremendous voice he has?”

“Yes.”

“Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!”—­Comic Cuts.

Recipe for a baby: 

  Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,
    Smother with a pillow any sneeze;
  Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back—­
    “Don’t forget that you were one of these.”

  —­Life.

INQUISITIVENESS

See Wives.

INSANITY

See Editors; Love.

INSPIRATIONS

She was from Boston, and he was not.

He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.

Presently the maiden asked archly:  “Of course, you’ve read ’Romeo and Juliet?’”

He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant thought, blurted out, happily: 

“I’ve—­I’ve read Romeo!”

INSTALMENT PLAN

Half the world doesn’t know how many things the other half is paying instalments on.

INSTRUCTIONS