“Beds!” echoed the genial Congressman, “why, sir, Louisville would make her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would think of going to bed!”

HOSTS

  I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
  And your cordial which was welcome.

  Here’s to the host and the hostess,
    We’re honored to be here tonight;
  May they both live long and prosper,
    May their star of hope ever be bright.

HOTELS

In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads:  “Boarders taken by the day, week or month.  Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck.”—­Country Life.

HUNGER

A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia.  His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves.  He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it.  But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which was in turn devoured.  This was repeated until the last famished wolf was almost upon him with yearning jaws, when—­

“Say, partner,” broke in one of the listeners, “according to your reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other ’leven inside of him.”

“Well, come to think it over,” said the story teller, “maybe he wasn’t so darned famished after all.”

HUNTING

A gentleman from London was invited to go for “a day’s snipe-shooting” in the country.  The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.

After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor’s first barrell.

The host’s face fell also.

“We may as well return,” he remarked, gloomily, “for that was the only snipe in the neighborhood.”

The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.

HURRY

See Haste.

HUSBANDS

“Is she making him a good wife?”

“Well, not exactly; but she’s making him a good husband.”

A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between them.  The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at the old address, but the husband went on a tour.

After some years’ wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation took place, as the result of which they became business partners once more.  A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers: 

“By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently increased.”