HASH

“George,” said the Titian-haired school marm, “is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?”

“Yeth, ma’am,” answered George promptly.  “Hash.”

HASTE

The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd rushed a man—­hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size.  He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier.  He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on the deck.  A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash.  When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man.  “I hope I didn’t hurt you,” he said.  “I am sorry.  But, anyway I caught the boat!”

“But you idiot,” said the fat man, “the boat was coming in!”

HEALTH RESORTS

“Where’ve you been, Murray?”

“To a health resort.  Finest place I ever struck.  It was simply great.”

“Then why did you come away?”

“Oh, I got sick and had to come home.”

“Are you going back?”

“You bet.  Just as soon as I get well enough.”

HEARING

The Ladies’ Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.

“They must have been to the Zoo,” said Mrs. A., “because I heard her mention ‘a trained deer.’”

“Goodness me!” laughed Mrs. B.  “What queer hearing you must have!  They were talking about going away, and she said, ’Find out about the train, dear.’”

“Well did anybody ever?” exclaimed Mrs. C.  “I am sure they were talking about musicians, for she said ‘a trained ear,’ as distinctly as could be.”

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself appeared.  They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a settlement.

“Well, well, you do beat all!” she exclaimed, after hearing each one.  “I’d been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it rained here last night.”

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.—­W.J.  Lampton.

HEAVEN

“Tom,” said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, “don’t you make that hole any deeper, or you’ll come to gas.”

“Well, what if I do?  It won’t hurt.”

“Yes, ’t will too.  If it spouts out, we’ll be blown clear up to heaven.”

“Shucks, that would be fun!  You an’ me would be the only live ones up there.”—­I.C.  Curtis.