Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, “Why should I tell it?”—­Lavater.

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

“Don’t you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?”

“I might if I didn’t know who controlled the government.”—­Life.

GOVERNORS

The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten.  She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast.

Finally the youngster asked, “Are you really and truly a governor?”

“Yes,” replied the great man laughingly; “I really and truly am.”

“I’ve always wanted to see a governor,” continued the child, “for I’ve heard Daddy speak of ’em.”

“Well,” rejoined the Governor, “now that you have seen one, are you satisfied?”

“No, sir,” answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence, but with an air of great conviction, “no, sir; I’m disappointed.”

GRAFT

“What is meant by graft?” said the inquiring foreigner.

“Graft,” said the resident of a great city, “is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain how they got it.”

LADY—­“I guess you’re gettin’ a good thing out o’ tending the rich Smith boy, ain’t ye, doctor?”

DOCTOR—­“Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee.  Why?”

LADY—­“Well, I hope you won’t forget that my Willie threw the brick that hit ’im!”

Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.—­Satire.

The Democrats had a clear working majority in ——­, Illinois, for a number of years.  But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it enfranchised so many of the “culled bredren” as to make it apparent to the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought up, the Republicans would carry the city election.  Accordingly advances were made to the Rev. Brother ——­, whose influence it was thought desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of his entire church.

He was found “open to conviction,” and arrangements progressed satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to secure his vote and influence.

With an air of offended dignity, Brother ——­ replied: 

“Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will ’low; but, gemmen, my son will call round to see you in de mornin’.”

A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor’s, donned his new suit, and left his old one for repairs.  Then he sought a cafe and refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both purse and watch when he left his suit.  As he hesitated, somewhat embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet.  Seizing it thankfully, he stepped to the cashier’s desk and presented both check and money.