“Did you take it?”

“No.  That sort of friendship is too good to lose.”

“I let my house furnished, and they’ve had measles there.  Of course we’ve had the place disinfected; so I suppose it’s quite safe.  What do you think?”

“I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be safer to lend it to a friend first.”—­Punch.

“Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak’ sic an enairmous profit aff yer potatoes?  Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak’ extra reductions for yer freends.”

“Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin’s a ton beacuse a customer is a freend o’ mine, an’ then I jist tak’ twa hundert-weight aff the ton because I’m a freend o’ his.”—­Punch.

The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on one of the forward cars.  He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop.  When the brakeman approached the tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.

“Did you get rid of him?” the conductor asked the brakeman, when the train was under motion again.

“I hadn’t the heart,” was the reply.  “He turned out to be an old school friend of mine.”

“I’ll take care of him,” said the conductor, as he started over the tops of the cars.

After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came into the caboose and said to the conductor: 

“Well, is he off?”

“No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too.”

If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone.  A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.—­Samuel Johnson.

  They say, and I am glad they say,
    It is so; and it may be so;
  It may be just the other way,
    I cannot tell, but this I know—­
  From quiet homes and first beginnings
    Out to the undiscovered ends
  There’s nothing worth the wear of winning
    Save laughter and the love of friends.

  —­Hilaire Belloc.

FUN

Fun is like life insurance, th’ older you git th’ more it costs.—­Abe Martin.

See also Amusements.

FUNERALS

  There was an old man in a hearse,
  Who murmured, “This might have been worse;
    Of course the expense
    Is simply immense,
  But it doesn’t come out of my purse.”

FURNITURE

GUEST—­“That’s a beautiful rug.  May I ask how much it cost you?”

HOST—­“Five hundred dollars.  A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match.”

FUTURE LIFE

A certain young man’s friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma.  When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.