The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all.

Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even with your mouth shut.

The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.

Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.

The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit preached to them.

On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular.

Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.

Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter.

An angle is a triangle with only two sides.

Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.

Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away.

A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.

A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.

Vapor is dried water.

The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt.

The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals go after they are dead.

The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying in synonyms.

An abstract noun is something you can’t see when you are looking at it.

EXCUSES

The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the following week without their application blanks properly filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth.  On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks.  “What is the trouble?” Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her.  “Oh,” sobbed the little girl, “I forgot my excuse for being born.”

O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him quickly famous.  Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a New York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for a check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties.

“I’m sorry,” explained the cashier, “but Mr. Blank, who signs the checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle.”

“But, my dear sir,” expostulated the author, “does he sign them with his feet?”

Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the planking.  A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous cranny with his forefinger.

“Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin’?” inquired the friend.

“Sh-h,” said Mr. Mulligan, “I’m tryin’ to make it wort’ me while to tear up this board.”

A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who evidently had not shaved for several days.

“Doyle,” he asked, “how is it that you haven’t shaved this morning?”