EPITHETS

John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors.  Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.

“My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?”

The boy hung his head.  “Yes, father.”  “And did you call Mr. Jones a worse fool?”

“Yes, father.”

Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute.  Then he said: 

“Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make.”

“See that man over there.  He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!”

“Would you mind writing all that down for me?”

“Why in the world—­”

“He’s my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time.”

EQUALITY

As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her.  “Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!” shouted an officer on the bridge.

A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway.  “Are ye the captain of that vessel?”

“No,” answered the officer.

“Then spake to yer equals.  I’m the captain o’ this!” came from the barge.

ERMINE

  Said an envious, erudite ermine: 
  “There’s one thing I cannot determine: 
    When a man wears my coat,
    He’s a person of note,
  While I’m but a species of vermin!”

ESCAPES

There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond.

A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed.  He saw a large black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.

The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the edge of the hole.  Then, extending his hand, he said: 

“Here, come over this way, and I’ll lift you out.”

“No, I can’t swim,” was the impatient reply.  “Throw a rope to me.  Hurry up.  It’s cold in here.”

“I ain’t got no rope,” said the farmer; and he added angrily.  “What if you can’t swim you can wade, I guess!  The water’s only up to your shoulders.”

“Up to my shoulders?” said the young fellow.  “It’s eight feet deep if it’s an inch.  I’m standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!”

ETHICS

      My ethical state,
      Were I wealthy and great,
  Is a subject you wish I’d reply on. 
      Now who can foresee
      What his morals might be? 
  What would yours be if you were a lion?