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RAILWAY TIME-TABLE.  APPLICABLE ALL THE YEAR ROUND.

6 Cabs—­full of Passengers = 1 Dawdling Porter. 12 Dawdling Porters = 1 Train’s Start. 2 Trains’ Starts = 1 Danger Signal. 2 Danger Signals = 1 Stoppage on the Line. 3 Stoppages on the Line = 1 Late Arrival. 24 Late Arrivals = 1 Day’s Unpunctuality. 365 Days’ Unpunctuality = 1 Patient Public’s Useless Grumble.

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A Murderous Game.—­(Example of “Beneficent Murder.")—­Taking a Life at Pool.

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[Illustration:  INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.

“HOW GOOD OF YOU TO COME, DOCTOR.  I DIDN’T EXPECT YOU THIS MORNING.”

“NO, BUT I WAS CALLED TO YOUR OPPOSITE NEIGHBOUR, POOR MRS. BROWN, AND THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.”]

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THE BETTER THE DAY, THE BETTER THE TALK!

    SCENE—­Any fashionable Watering Place where “Church Parade”
    is a recognised institution.  TIME—­Sunday, 1 P.M.  Enter
    BROWN and Mrs. BROWN, who take chairs.

Mrs. Brown.  Good Gracious!  Look another way!  Those odious people, the STIGGINGSES, are coming towards us!

Brown.  Why odious?  I think the girls rather nice.

Mrs. B. (contemptuously).  Oh, you would, because men are so easily taken in!  Nice, indeed!  Why, here’s Major BUTTONS.

B. (moving his head sharply to the right).  Don’t see him!  Can’t stand the fellow!  I always avoid him at the Club!

Mrs. B. Why?  Soldiers are always such pleasant men.

B. (contemptuously).  BUTTONS a soldier!  Years ago he was a Lieutenant in a marching regiment, and now holds honorary rank in the Volunteers!  Soldier, indeed!  Bless me! here’s Mrs. FITZ-FLUMMERY—­mind you don’t cut her.

Mrs. B. Yes, I shall; the woman is insupportable.  Did you ever see such a dress?  And she has changed the colour of her hair—­again!

B. Whether she has or hasn’t, she looks particularly pleasing.

Mrs. B. (drily).  You were always a little eccentric in your taste!  Why, surely there must be Mr. PENNYFATHER ROBSON.  How smart he looks!  Where can he have come from?

B. The Bankruptcy Court! (Drily.) You were never particularly famous for discrimination.  As I live, the SMITHS! [He bows with effusion.

Mrs. B. And the STUART JONESES! (She kisses her hand gushingly.) By the way, dear, didn’t you say that the PLANTAGENET SMITHS were suspected of murdering their Uncle before they inherited his property?

B. So it is reported, darling.  And didn’t you tell me, my own, that the parents of Mr. STUART JONES were convicts before they became millionaires?