(I.) BUENOS AYRES, MONDAY.

Revolution crushed entirely by your aid.  At the crisis, General Pompanilla read all your published writings aloud to insurgent chiefs.  Effect was magical.  They thought your prophecies better than ammunition.  Ha, ha!  Their widows have fled the country.  A pension of a million pesetas awarded to you.  Rumours about my resignation a mere blind. (Signed) Dr. Celman, President.

(II.) BUENOS AYRES, MONDAY.

The traitor Celman has been vanquished, thanks to you.  When ammunition failed, we loaded with sporting prophecies.  Very deadly.  Treasury cleared directly.  One of your adjectives annihilated a brigade of infantry.

(Here follow the signatures of the Leaders of the Union Civica, to the number of 5,000.)

(III.) GUATEMALA, SUNDAY.

Victorious army of Guatemala sends thanks to its brave champion.  Your inspired writings have been set to music, and are sung as national hymns.  Effect on San Salvadorians terrible.  Only two deaf sergeants left alive. Guerra, Vittoria Matador, Mantilla.

(Signed) BARILLAS, President.

(IV.) SAN SALVADOR, SUNDAY.

Land pirates from Guatemala foiled, owing to valiant English Punch-Prophet.  Army when reduced to last biscuit, fed on racing intelligence.  Captain-General sustained nature on white native plant called Tehp, much used by Indian tribe of Estar-ting-prisahs.  My body-guard performed prodigies on Thenod, the well-known root of the Cuff plant.  Have adopted you as my grandson.

(Signed) Ezeta, President.

That is sufficient for one week.  Those who wish for more in the meantime, must call at my residence.

* * * * *

THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.

(BEFORE MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.)

AN ENGINEER OFFICER, R.N., INTRODUCED.

The Commissioner.  Sorry to see you here, Sir, as your presence argues that you have a right to demand redress.

[Illustration]

Engineer Officer, R.N. I think, Sir, that we have a genuine grievance is almost universally conceded.  But, as our labours and responsibilities have increased enormously of late years, perhaps you will kindly allow me to describe our duties.

The Com. By all means.

En.  Of., R.N. As the matter is of the greatest importance to fourteen hundred officers, commanding ten thousand men, I hope you will not consider me tedious in making the following statement.  The success of every function of the modern battle-ship depends upon machinery for which the Engineer officers are directly responsible.  By its means the anchor is lifted, boats are hoisted, the ship is steered, ventilated, and electrically lighted.  Pure drinking water is supplied for its hundreds of inhabitants.