Sez I coldly, “It would draw quite a crowd to see you and Deacon Gowdey standin’ on your two old bald heads turnin’ a summer set.”

“Oh, I laid out to have younger people in such thrillin’ seens, Ury and others.”  And then he went on to describe at length his Peaceful Industry Show.

I couldn’t sot still to hear it only I felt I wanted to know the worst and cope with it as a surgeon probes to the quick in order to cure.

He thought he could git Aunt Huldy Wood, who wove carpets, to set up her loom for a few days under the big but-nut tree, and be weavin’ there before the crowds.  He said she wuz a peaceful old critter and would show off well in it.  And Bildad Shoecraft, another good-natured creeter, he could bring his shoe-making bench and be tappin’ boots.  He could not only show off but make money at the same time, for he spozed that many a boot would be wore down to the quick walkin’ round viewin’ the attractions.  And Blandina Teeter he spozed she could run my sewin’ machine under the sugar maple.  And he thought mebby I would set out under the slippery ellum makin’ ginger cookies or fryin’ nut-cakes, in either capacity he said I wuz a study for an artist and would draw crowds.

“The wife of Josiah Allen fryin’ nut-cakes, what a sound it would have through the world.”

“No, Josiah,” sez I, “I shan’t try to fry nut-cakes in a open lot without ingregients or fire.”

“Well, mebby you’d ruther be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha.  I hain’t goin’ to limit you to one thing.  As the pardner of the originator of this stupengous scheme you are entitled to respect.  There is where Napoleon, the other great actor in these twin dramas, missed it, he didn’t use his wife as he ort to.  But jest see the wonderful similarity in these cases.  He had two step-children; the wife of Josiah had two; I am smaller in statute than my wife; so wuz Napoleon.”

“You spoke of your Peaceful Inventions, Josiah,” sez I, wantin’ to git his mind off, for truly I begun to fairly feel sick to the stomach to hear his talk about himself and the Great Conqueror.

“Oh, yes, Samantha, that in itself will be worth double the price of admission.”

“Then you expect to ask pay, Josiah?”

“Certainly, why not?  Do they not ask pay at the twin celebration?

“But you spoke of inventions; I shall let the rest of the Allens show off.  Lots of ’em have invented things, but of course my inventions will rank number one.  There is my button on the suller door I cut it out of an old boot leg.  Who ever hearn of a leather button before, and it works well if you don’t want to fasten the door tight.  Then there is that self actin’ hen-coop of mine that lets a stick fall down and shuts the door when the hen walks up the ladder.”

“But no hen has ever clim the ladder yet, Josiah.”

“No, perhaps they hain’t yet, but I’m expectin’ to see ’em every day, ’tennyrate paint that coop a bright red and yaller and it will attract a crowd.