Lady with a parcel, who giggles)—­I said, “You’re a man of the world—­so am I. Don’t you take any notice,” I told him—­(this to a callow young man, who blushes)—­“they’re a Couple of young fools,” I said, “but you tell your dear wife from me not to mind those boys of mine—­they’ll soon get tired of it if they’re only let alone.”  And so they would have, long ago, it’s my belief, if they’d met with no encouragement—­but what can I do—­it’s a heavy trial to a father, you know.  Then there’s my third son—­he must needs go and marry—­(to a Lady at his side with a reticule, who gasps faintly)—­some young woman who dances at a Music-hall—­nice daughter-in-law that for a man in my position, eh?  I’ve forbidden him the house of course, and told his mother not to have any communication with him—­but I know, Sir,—­(violently, to a Man on his other side, who coughs in much embarrassment)—­I know she meets him once a week under the eagle in Orme Square, and I can’t stop her!  Then I’m worried about my daughters—­one of ’em gave me no peace till I let her have some painting lessons—­of course, I naturally thought the drawing-master would be an elderly man—­whereas, as things turned out,—­

A Quiet Man in a Corner. I ’ope you told all this to the Policeman, Sir?

The C.O.G. (flaming unexpectedly). No, Sir, I did not.  I am not in the habit—­whatever you may be—­of discussing my private affairs with strangers.  I consider your remark highly impertinent, Sir.

[Fumes in silence for the rest of the journey.

The Young Lady with the Parcel (to her friend—­for the sake of vindicating her gentility)._ Oh, my dear, I do feel so funny, carrying a great brown-paper parcel, in a bus, too!  Anyone would take me for a shop-girl!

A Grim Old Lady opposite. And I only hope, my dear, you’ll never be taken for anyone less respectable.

[Collapse of Genteel Y. L.

The Conductor.  Benk, benk! (he means “Bank") ’Oborn, benk!  ’Igher up there, BILL, can’t you?

A Dingy Man smoking, in a Van. Want to block up the ole o’ the road, eh?  That’s right!

The Conductor (roused to personality). Go ’ome, Dirty DICK! syme old soign, I see,—­“Monkey an’ Pipe!” (To Coachman of smart brougham which is pressing rather closely behind.) I say, old man, don’t you race after my bus like this—­you’ll only tire your ’orse. [The Coachman affects not to have heard.

The Conductor (addressing the brougham horse, whose head is almost through the door of the omnibus). ’Ere, ’ang it all!—­step insoide, if yer want to!

[Brougham falls to rear—­triumph of Conductor as Scene closes.

* * * * *

IN THE KNOW.

(By Mr. Punch’s Own Prophet.)

[Illustration]