“A SPORTING TIPSTER” writes:—­“Perhaps you are not aware that the feature of next Season’s Foot-ball will be the arrival of a strong team of the Kajawee Cannibal Islanders, a ferocious race, who have been instructed in the game by a celebrated Midland half-back.  As in practice they invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human head, and in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by having recourse to the ‘Kogo’ or ‘Spine Splitting Stroke,’ introduced from a local athletic game, some excitement will no doubt be manifested in sporting circles when they meet the Clapham Rovers, as, I believe, it is arranged they shall do at the Oval, early in November next.”

* * * * *

Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon Heptarchy will not, after all, be seen in the Row during this Season, though several male leaders of fashion are stated to have given orders for them on an approved model.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  A WASTED EPIGRAM.

“WHERE IS THE EVENING GAZETTE, WAITER?’

“PLEASE, SIR, IT’S NOT YET SEWN.”

“SOWN, SIR!  IT OUGHT TO HAVE COME UP!”]

* * * * *

MINE AND THINE.

[In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of dividend.  His answer was, “You cannot know much about gold mines to ask such a question.”  He admitted, however, that he himself had made some L50 000 out of them.  “This,” he said, “is not profit; it is the realisation of property.”]

  Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by ten,
    Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce or two of sand;
  Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying pen,
    Making deserts flow with honey in a rich and smiling land.

  Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a covering of bosh,
    And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled “Promises to pay”;
  Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to wash,
    And then begin the process which the wise ones call “Convey.”

  Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one desire. 
    To subserve the public interest, single-hearted men and true;
  Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your kindness to acquire,
    At a price, the vendor’s property,—­the vendor being you.

  Then, since you must make a profit, call the public to your aid;
    Let them give you all their money, which they think they only lend: 
  And of course you mustn’t tell them, till the fools have safely paid,
    Mines were made for sinking money, not for raising dividend.

  And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring their store,
    And they push to reach your presence, and they jostle and they fall,
  And at last they pile their money in a heap before your door;
    And, just to make them happy, you accept and keep it all.