THE UNITED ASSOCIATION OF COMBINED PARAGRAPHISTS.

MR. WILLIAM WHORBOYS.

(FROM THE PIMLICO POTTERER.  JULY 6TH.)

“Amongst the books of the month we may notice The Foundling’s Farewell, by MR. WILLIAM WHORBOYS, an author whose name we have not hitherto met with.  It is a romance of surpassing interest, the subject being treated with all the convincing power of a master-hand.  We shall look forward eagerly to MR. WHORBOY’S next work.”

With this there came a polite letter from the U.A.C.P., asking me to allow them to supply me with all newspaper cuttings referring to me or to my book from “the entire English, American, and Continental Press.”  Another leaflet stated the terms on which they were prepared to take this immense trouble on my behalf.

Here, at last, thought I to myself, is Fame.  The other two letters contained the same extract, and similar requests from “The Universal Notice-Mongers,” and “The British Cutting Company (Limited).”  I decided in favour of the U.A.C.P., sent them two guineas, and waited.  Three days afterwards there came a scrubby little roll of paper, with a halfpenny stamp on it.  I saw the magic letters U.A.C.P. upon it, and tore it open.  It contained a newspaper cutting, which nothing but my desire to be truthful would force me to publish.  But here it is:—­“The stuff that is palmed off upon a hapless public by aspiring idiots, who are vain enough to imagine that they are novelists, is astounding.  The latest of these is a certain WILLIAM WHORBOYS, whose book, The Foundling’s Farewell, is remarkable only for its ungrammatical dulness, &c, &c.”  The next post brought me the same cutting, sent gratuitously, out of spite, I suppose, by the two Extract Companies to whom I had preferred the U.A.C.P., and from four others who desired my custom.  During the following week not a day passed without the receipt of that accursed cutting from some new extract company.  Since then I have waited some months, but nothing more has appeared.  My subscription, I find, has only a year to run.  The question is, what can I do?  My life has been blighted by the U.A.C.P., poisoned by “The Universal Notice-Mongers,” and the cup of happiness has been dashed from my lips by “The British Cutting Company (Limited).”

I know I am not alone in this.  My friend HARTVIG, who is an actor, has been similarly treated.  He gets all the insulting notices of his great performances with extraordinary regularity, but never a favourable one.  BUNCOMBE, who is standing for Parliament, receives bushels of extracts from the local Radical paper, he being a Tory Democrat.  We intend to combine and do something desperate.  Is there not some method of winding up Companies, or putting them into liquidation, or appointing receivers?  Pray let me know, and oblige yours in misery,

WILLIAM WHORBOYS,

Author of “The Foundling’s Farewell."