“Well, dear friends and brothers, I did think of ’em sittin’ in that cold church.  There was a time when I uset to behave fine for a month previous to December twenty-fifth, for the priv’lige of seein’ Uncle Santy Claus tumble down the chimbley; and I want to say right here that all the good times I have seen sence ain’t got near enough to them good times to catch their dust.  Besides which, the merry Christmas in glassified form with which I had encouraged myself at Peg-leg’s, and the wad of that beautiful sensitive plant, the long green, which was reposin’ on my heart, says to me:  ‘Scraggsy, spring yourself—­jump, boy, jump!’

“And furthermore, in the wildest dreams of my youth I had never figgered on spendin’ a cold and cloudy Christmas in the bosom of a Presbyterian, Prohibition, Vegetarian Colony.  It stood to reason if I didn’t do something to that colony the colony would do a thing to Scraggs.  I made up my mind that right here was where I jarred Oggsouash to a finish.

“And further still, that poor little deluded, cold-potato-fed woman was on my mind.

“‘You mean,’ says I to her—­my eddication in the Mormon Church, and what I learned about play-actin’ in St. Looey, standin’ me in handy for manners—­’that these here children, the offspring of cold water and vegetables, is expected to pass to-morrow in prayer and meditation, and be better for it?’

“‘Yes, sir!’ says she, impressed by my manners.

“‘Well, then, madam,’ says I, ’if you’ll excuse my onprofessional language, I’ll say that that’s a low-down, Scandahoovian outrage.’

“‘Now,’ says she, eager, ‘that’s just what I think.’

“‘Madam,’ says I, bowin’, ’I’m enchanted to see such a spirit—­I’ll think kindly of turnips from this day on.  Let us prescribe for ourselves once more—­the directions say take one every three minutes until you feel better.  Besides, you got to help me, and you’ll need your strength.  My duties demand that I leave here by the night freight, but before that——­’ And I give her her directions.  She jumped up and hustled out, as young as ever she was.

“Then I went up to the telegrapher.  ’Where can I buy some toys and truck, to come out on Number Three?’ says I.

“He didn’t pay no attention.

“I reached in and took him gently by the hair, drawin’ him part way through his cubby-hole so’s he could hear plain.

“‘My young friend,’ says I, ’is it any part of your notion that I grew up on cabbages?  Does it please your youthful fancy to picture me picketed out to grass, and chewin’ my cud on a sunny slope?’

“‘Ow!’ says he.  ‘Leggo m’ hair!’

“‘You are now in the hands of E. G. W. Scraggs,’ says I, ’an honor which I shall give you cause to appreciate if you don’t lend me your ears to what I say.  Do you think you can hear me now?’

“‘Yes, sir.  Oh, yessir, yessir,’ says he.

“‘Good,’ says I.  ’Then telegraph to the first place east to send one hundred dollars’ worth of toys out here on Number Three.  Here’s your money.’