* * * * *

    A DISCIPLINARIAN.

    “SCHOOLMISTRESS’S RESIGNATION.”

    Miss ——­ will have the satisfaction of knowing that she
    has left her mark on those who have passed through her
    hands.”—­Provincial Paper.

* * * * *

    “Closing scores in the professional golf match were Newman
    14,835; Inman 13,343.”—­Provincial Paper.

This high scoring was due, we understand, to the large number of losing hazards which had to be negotiated.

* * * * *

    “Aerial fights to and from towns on the coast are to be a
    feature of Hythe’s holiday season.”—­Belfast Weekly News.

We are all in favour of popularising aviation, but we think this is over-doing it.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Director of old-established firm.  “I HOPE YOU DON’T SMOKE?”

The new “Boy.”  “NO—­GIVEN IT UP.  FIND IT ‘PUFFS’ ME FOR JAZZIN’.”]

* * * * *

SPRING CLEANING

  The hailstorm stopped; a watery sun came out,
    And late that night I clearly saw the moon;
  The lilac did not actually sprout,
    But looked as if it ought to do in June. 
  I did not say, “My love, it is the Spring;”
    I rubbed my chilblains in a cheerful way
  And asked if there was some warm woollen thing
    My wife had bought me for the first of May;
  And, just to keep the ancient customs green,
  We said we ’d give the poor old house a clean.

  Good Mr. Ware came down with all his men,
    And filled the house with lovely oily pails,
  And went away to lunch at half-past ten,
    And came again at tea-time with some nails,
  And laid a ladder on the daffodil,
    And opened all the windows they could see,
  And glowered fiercely from the window-sill
    On me and Mrs. Tompkinson at tea,
  And set large quantities of booby-traps
  And then went home—­a little tired, perhaps.

  They left their paint-pots strewn about the stair,
    And switched the lights off—­but I knew the game;
  They took the geyser—­none could tell me where;
    It was impossible to wash my frame. 
  The painted windows would not shut again,
    But gaped for ever at the Eastern skies;
  The house was full of icicles and rain;
    The bedrooms smelled of turpentine and size;
  And if there be a more unpleasant smell
  I have no doubt that that was there as well.

  My wife went out and left me all alone,
    While more men came and clamoured at the door
  To strip the house of everything I own,
    The curtains and the carpets from the floor,
  The kitchen range, the cushions and the stove,
    And ask me things that husbands never know,
  “Is this ’ere paint the proper shade of mauve?”
    Or “Where is it this lino has to go?”
  I slunk into the cellar with the cat,
  This being where the men had put my hat.