IN ACTUAL LIFE THEY SERVE TO LINK
  A PARTY WITH THE STREET OF INK;
  WHILE KNIGHTHOOD’S LATEST HONOURS FALL
  UPON THE FUNNIEST MEN OF ALL. 
  YES, WHILE OUR GRATITUDE ACCLAIMS
  THE JUSTLY DECORATED NAMES
  OF PEERS LIKE TENNYSON AND LISTER,
  THERE IS MUCH VIRTUE IN PLAIN MISTER. 
  THE STYLE AND TITLE DEEMED MOST FIT
  BY DARWIN, HUXLEY, BURKE AND PITT,
  AND LATER ON BY A.J.B.,
  ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

* * * * *

[ILLUSTRATION ECHO OF “SHOW SUNDAY.”

VISITOR.  “WHAT’S THIS FELLOW DOIN’ IN THE CORNER?”

ARTIST.  “OH, HE’S THERE JUST TO HELP THE COMPOSITION.”

VISITOR.  “AWFULLY DECENT OF HIM—­WHAT!”]

THE DOMESTIC QUESTION SOLVED.

LAST THURSDAY, AT A REGISTRY-OFFICE, I OBTAINED THE FAVOUR OF AN
INTERVIEW WITH A DOMESTIC ARTIST AND WAS ABLE (BY REASON OF A PREVIOUS
CONFERENCE WITH MY FRIEND FRESHFIELD—­LIKE MYSELF A DEMOBILISED
BACHELOR AUTHOR) TO FACE THE ORDEAL WITH SOME DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE.

MRS. MILTON, WIDOW, FIFTY-FIVE, EXCEPTIONAL REFERENCES, WHO PROPOSED,
IF EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SEEMED SATISFACTORY, TO RULE MY HOUSEHOLD,
WAS AS SUAVE AS ONE HAS ANY RIGHT TO EXPECT NOWADAYS; BUT WHEN SHE
DICTATED THE TERMS I GATHERED THAT SHE WOULD BE SUFFICIENTLY DANGEROUS
IF ROUSED.

SHE KNEW WHAT BACHELORS WERE, SHE DID, AND WASN’T GOING TO TAKE A
PLACE WHERE A LOT OF COMP’NY WAS KEPT.

I ASSURED HER ON THIS POINT.  MY FRIEND, MR. FRESHFIELD, I SAID, WOULD
COME ONCE A WEEK, EVERY MONDAY, TO DINE AND SLEEP, BUT BEYOND THAT I
SHOULD PUT NO STRAIN UPON HER POWERS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

MRS. MILTON FURTHER SAID THAT SHE WOULD REQUIRE AT LEAST TWO
AFTERNOONS AND ONE EVENING A WEEK.  HERE WAS MY OPPORTUNITY TO APPEAR
GENEROUS.

“TWO AFTERNOONS AND ONE EVENING?” I SAID.  “MY DEAR FRIEND AND
FELLOW-WORKER, YOU CAN HAVE EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY FROM AFTER
BREAKFAST ON THE FORMER TO PRACTICALLY DINNER-TIME (EIGHT O’CLOCK)
ON THE LATTER.  NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED OF YOU OR OF THE PIANO OR
GRAMOPHONE, BOTH OF WHICH INSTRUMENTS YOU WILL FIND IN SMOOTH RUNNING
ORDER.  I AM AWAY,” I ADDED, “EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY.”

THAT CLINCHED IT.  HIDING HER SURPRISE AS WELL AS SHE COULD UNDER AN
IRREPROACHABLE BONNET AND TOUPEE, MRS. MILTON EXPRESSED HER READINESS
TO ACCOMPANY ME THEN AND THERE, AND TO SUPERINTEND THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF MY COALS AND MARMALADE.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE GUESSED THAT I PROPOSE TO SPEND EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT
AT FRESHFIELD’S PLACE, AND THAT THE COMPLETE SUCCESS OF THE SCHEME HAS
BEEN ASSURED BY THE MAKING OF A SIMILAR AGREEMENT BETWEEN FRESHFIELD
AND A PERSON HOLDING CORRESPONDING VIEWS TO THOSE OF MRS. MILTON.