the World, That you had a DIPLOMA sent from the Ugly Club at OXFORD, and that by vertue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned Work will there be among future Criticks about the Original of that Club, which both Universities will contend so warmly for?  And perhaps some hardy Cantabrigian Author may then boldly affirm, that the Word OXFORD was an interpolation of some Oxonian instead of CAMBRIDGE.  This Affair will be best adjusted in your Life-time; but I hope your Affection to your MOTHER will not make you partial to your AUNT.

To tell you, Sir, my own Opinion:  Tho’ I cannot find any ancient Records of any Acts of the SOCIETY OF THE UGLY FACES, considered in a publick Capacity; yet in a private one they have certainly Antiquity on their Side.  I am perswaded they will hardly give Place to the LOWNGERS, and the LOWNGERS are of the same Standing with the University itself.

Tho’ we well know, Sir, you want no Motives to do Justice, yet I am commission’d to tell you, that you are invited to be admitted ad eundem at CAMBRIDGE; and I believe I may venture safely to deliver this as the Wish of our Whole University.’

  To Mr.  SPECTATOR.

  The humble Petition of WHO and WHICH.

  Sheweth,

’THAT your Petitioners being in a forlorn and destitute Condition, know not to whom we should apply ourselves for Relief, because there is hardly any Man alive who hath not injured us.  Nay, we speak it with Sorrow, even You your self, whom we should suspect of such a Practice the last of all Mankind, can hardly acquit your self of having given us some Cause of Complaint.  We are descended of ancient Families, and kept up our Dignity and Honour many Years, till the Jack-sprat THAT supplanted us.  How often have we found ourselves slighted by the Clergy in their Pulpits, and the Lawyers at the Bar?  Nay, how often have we heard in one of the most polite and august Assemblies in the Universe, to our great Mortification, these Words, That THAT that noble Lord urged; which if one of us had had Justice done, would have sounded nobler thus, That WHICH that noble Lord urged.  Senates themselves, the Guardians of British Liberty, have degraded us, and preferred THAT to us; and yet no Decree was ever given against us.  In the very Acts of Parliament, in which the utmost Right should be done to every Body, WORD and Thing, we find our selves often either not used, or used one instead of another.  In the first and best Prayer Children are taught, they learn to misuse us:  Our Father WHICH art in Heaven, should be, Our Father WHO art in Heaven; and even a CONVOCATION after long Debates, refused to consent to an Alteration of it.  In our general Confession we say,—­Spare thou them, O God, WHICH confess their Faults,