acquired Ugliness is greater than any that has ever appeared before you.  The Beau has varied his Dress every Day of his Life for these thirty Years last past, and still added to the Deformity he was born with.  The Pict has still greater Merit towards us; and has, ever since she came to Years of Discretion, deserted the handsome Party, and taken all possible Pains to acquire the Face in which I shall present her to your Consideration and Favour.

  I desire to know whether you admit People of Quality.

  I am, Gentlemen,
  Your most obliged
  Humble Servant,
  The SPECTATOR.

  April 7.

  Mr. SPECTATOR,

To shew you there are among us of the vain weak Sex, some that have Honesty and Fortitude enough to dare to be ugly, and willing to be thought so; I apply my self to you, to beg your Interest and Recommendation to the Ugly Club.  If my own Word will not be taken, (tho’ in this Case a Woman’s may) I can bring credible Witness of my Qualifications for their Company, whether they insist upon Hair, Forehead, Eyes, Cheeks, or Chin; to which I must add, that I find it easier to lean to my left Side than my right.  I hope I am in all respects agreeable:  And for Humour and Mirth, I’ll keep up to the President himself.  All the Favour I’ll pretend to is, that as I am the first Woman has appeared desirous of good Company and agreeable Conversation, I may take and keep the upper End of the Table.  And indeed I think they want a Carver, which I can be after as ugly a Manner as they can wish.  I desire your Thoughts of my Claim as soon as you can.  Add to my Features the Length of my Face, which is full half Yard; tho’ I never knew the Reason of it till you gave one for the Shortness of yours.  If I knew a Name ugly enough to belong to the above-described Face, I would feign one; but, to my unspeakable Misfortune, my Name is the only disagreeable Prettiness about me; so prithee make one for me that signifies all the Deformity in the World:  You understand Latin, but be sure bring it in with my being in the Sincerity of my Heart, Your most frightful Admirer, and Servant, Hecatissa.

  Mr. SPECTATOR,

I Read your Discourse upon Affectation, and from the Remarks made in it examined my own Heart so strictly, that I thought I had found out its most secret Avenues, with a Resolution to be aware of you for the future.  But alas! to my Sorrow I now understand, that I have several Follies which I do not know the Root of.  I am an old Fellow, and extremely troubled with the Gout; but having always a strong Vanity towards being pleasing in the Eyes of Women, I never have a Moment’s Ease, but I am mounted in high-heel’d Shoes with a glased Wax-leather Instep.  Two Days after a severe Fit I was invited to a Friend’s House in the City, where I believed I should see Ladies; and with my usual Complaisance crippled my self to wait upon them:  A very sumptuous Table,