Recruit—­Jew devouring an Ham of Bacon—­Westminster Abbey—­Grand Cairo—­Procrastination—­April Fools—­Blue Boars, Red Lions, Hogs in Armour—­Enter a King and two Fidlers solus—­Admission into the Ugly Club—­Beauty, how improveable—­Families of true and false Humour—­The Parrot’s School-Mistress—­Face half Pict half British—­no Man to be an Hero of Tragedy under Six foot—­Club of Sighers—­Letters from Flower-Pots, Elbow-Chairs, Tapestry-Figures, Lion, Thunder—­The Bell rings to the Puppet-Show—­Old-Woman with a Beard married to a smock-faced Boy—­My next Coat to be turned up with Blue—­Fable of Tongs and Gridiron—­Flower Dyers—­The Soldier’s Prayer—­Thank ye for nothing, says the Gally-Pot—­Pactolus in Stockings, with golden Clocks to them—­Bamboos, Cudgels, Drumsticks—­Slip of my Landlady’s eldest Daughter—­The black Mare with a Star in her Forehead—­The Barber’s Pole—­WILL.  HONEYCOMB’S Coat-pocket—­Caesar’s Behaviour and my own in Parallel Circumstances—­Poem in Patch-work—­Nulli gravis est percussus Achilles—­The Female Conventicler—­The Ogle Master.

The reading of this Paper made the whole Coffee-house very merry; some of them concluded it was written by a Madman, and others by some Body that had been taking Notes out of the Spectator.  One who had the Appearance of a very substantial Citizen, told us, with several politick Winks and Nods, that he wished there was no more in the Paper than what was expressed in it:  That for his part, he looked upon the Dromedary, the Gridiron, and the Barber’s Pole, to signify something more than what is usually meant by those Words; and that he thought the Coffee-man could not do better than to carry the Paper to one of the Secretaries of State.  He further added, that he did not like the Name of the outlandish Man with the golden Clock in his Stockings.  A young [Oxford Scholar [3]], who chanced to be with his Uncle at the Coffee-house, discover’d to us who this Pactolus was; and by that means turned the whole Scheme of this worthy Citizen into Ridicule.  While they were making their several Conjectures upon this innocent Paper, I reach’d out my Arm to the Boy, as he was coming out of the Pulpit, to give it me; which he did accordingly.  This drew the Eyes of the whole Company upon me; but after having cast a cursory Glance over it, and shook my Head twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it into a kind of Match, and litt my Pipe with it.  My profound Silence, together with the Steadiness of my Countenance, and the Gravity of my Behaviour during this whole Transaction, raised a very loud Laugh on all Sides of me; but as I had escaped all Suspicion of being the Author, I was very well satisfied, and applying myself to my Pipe, and the Post-man, took no [further] Notice of any thing that passed about me.