receive from me for a most real verity, that I for
such a Jill have a fit Jack; and that, if women’s
things cannot be satiated, I have an instrument indefatigable,—an
implement as copious in the giving as can in craving
be their vade mecums. Do not here produce ancient
examples of the paragons of paillardice, and offer
to match with my testiculatory ability the Priapaean
prowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus
Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alkoran doth vaunt
that in his cods he had the vigour of three score
bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian trust
the rogue,—the filthy ribald rascal is a
liar. Nor shalt thou need to urge authorities,
or bring forth the instance of the Indian prince of
whom Theophrastus, Plinius, and Athenaeus testify,
that with the help of a certain herb he was able,
and had given frequent experiments thereof, to toss
his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal
concupiscence above three score and ten times in the
space of four-and-twenty hours. Of that I believe
nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally
foisted in. Give no faith unto it, I beseech
thee, but prithee trust me in this, and thy credulity
therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and
probatum est, that my pioneer of nature—the
sacred ithyphallian champion —is of all
stiff-intruding blades the primest. Come hither,
my ballocket, and hearken. Didst thou ever see
the monk of Castre’s cowl? When in any
house it was laid down, whether openly in the view
of all or covertly out of the sight of any, such was
the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating and stirring
up the people of both sexes unto lechery, that the
whole inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that,
but likewise of all the circumjacent places thereto,
within three leagues around it, did suddenly enter
into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even
to the dogs and hogs, rats and cats.
I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have
perceived and found in my codpiece a certain kind
of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregular
and of a greater anomaly than what I have related.
I will not speak to thee either of house or cottage,
nor of church or market, but only tell thee, that
once at the representation of the Passion, which was
acted at Saint Maxents, I had no sooner entered within
the pit of the theatre, but that forthwith, by the
virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all
that were there, both players and spectators, did fall
into such an exorbitant temptation of lust, that there
was not angel, man, devil, nor deviless upon the place
who would not then have bricollitched it with all
their heart and soul. The prompter forsook his
copy, he who played Michael’s part came down
to rights, the devils issued out of hell and carried
along with them most of the pretty little girls that
were there; yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in
a word, seeing the huge disorder, I disparked myself
forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of Cato
the Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence,
the Floralian festivals out of order, withdrew himself.