But before starting for the hospital I imposed certain conditions.  One was that the man with the authoritative trousers should walk behind at such a distance that no friend or acquaintance who might see my brother and myself would suspect that I was under guard; the other was that the doctors at the institution should agree to grant my every request, no matter how trivial, so long as doing so could in no way work to my own injury.  My privileges were to include that of reading and writing to my heart’s content, and the procuring of such books and supplies as my fancy might dictate.  All this was agreed to.  In return I agreed to submit to the surveillance of an attendant when I went outside the hospital grounds.  This I knew would contribute to the peace of mind of my relatives, who naturally could not rid themselves of the fear that one so nearly normal as myself might take it into his head to leave the State and resist further attempts at control.  As I felt that I could easily elude my keeper, should I care to escape, his presence also contributed to my peace of mind, for I argued that the ability to outwit my guard would atone for the offence itself.

I then started for the hospital; and I went with a willingness surprising even to myself.  A cheerful philosophy enabled me to turn an apparently disagreeable situation into one that was positively pleasing to me.  I convinced myself that I could extract more real enjoyment from life during the ensuing weeks within the walls of a “retreat” than I could in the world outside.  My one desire was to write, write, write.  My fingers itched for a pen.  My desire to write was, I imagine, as irresistible as is the desire of a drunkard for his dram.  And the act of writing resulted in an intoxicating pleasure composed of a mingling of emotions that defies analysis.

That I should so calmly, almost eagerly, enter where devils might fear to tread may surprise the reader who already has been informed of the cruel treatment I had formerly received there.  I feared nothing, for I knew all.  Having seen the worst, I knew how to avoid the pitfalls into which, during my first experience at that hospital, I had fallen or deliberately walked.  I was confident that I should suffer no abuse or injustice so long as the doctors in charge should live up to their agreement and treat me with unvarying fairness.  This they did, and my quick recovery and subsequent discharge may be attributed partly to this cause.  The assistant physicians who had come in contact with me during my first experience in this hospital were no longer there.  They had resigned some months earlier, shortly after the death of the former superintendent.  Thus it was that I started with a clean record, free from those prejudices which so often affect the judgment of a hospital physician who has treated a mental patient at his worst.

XXX