AT LORD’S.

“Yes, I’m so fond of Cricket;” i.e., “How can I find out if Oxford or Cambridge is in?”

“Don’t move, pray;” i.e., “If she doesn’t, I shall be smothered in lobster-salad!”

“Not the least in my way, thanks;” i.e., “Does she think I can see through her parasol?”

“Pray join us at lunch!  Heaps of room in the carriage;” i.e., “Hope she doesn’t!  It only holds four, and we’re six already.”

“Don’t they call a hit to the left like that, a Drive?” i.e., “Young-rich—­good-looking—­worth catching—­looks as if he liked ’sweet simplicity.’”

ELECTIONEERING.

“Has at heart the best interests of the Borough;” i.e., Means to subscribe largely to all local clubs and charities.

“The honour of representing you in Parliament;” i.e., “The pleasure of advertising myself.”

“I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject;” i.e., “I cannot afford to commit myself just yet.”

PARLIAMENTARY.

“I have never heard such an astounding argument;” i.e., “Since I last employed it myself.”

“To come to the real question at issue;” i.e., “To introduce my one strong point.”

“I do not pledge myself to these figures;” i.e., “The next speaker will very likely show them to be absolutely unreliable.”

IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.

“Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you;” i.e., “I wasn’t listening.”

“I rather understood that you were arguing, &c., &c.;” i.e., “You are now flatly contradicting yourself.”

* * * * *

DISCIPLINE!

(A FARCICAL TRAGEDY, IN TWO SCENES—­NOT LICENSED FOR
REPRESENTATION.)

SCENE I.—­THE BARRACK SQUARE.  PRESENT—­NO. 1 COMPANY, AWAITING INSPECTION.

Captain (to Subaltern).  Have you proved them?

Subaltern.  Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and it is useless labour.

Capt. Very well—­I daresay they are right.  You know we have been told to be conciliatory.  Open order!  March!  For inspection—­port arms!

[Illustration]

Sergeant (stepping forward, and saluting).  Beg pardon, Sir, but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their rifles?

Capt. Certainly. (To Subaltern).  Take the rear rank, while I look after the front.

Serg. Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven’t taken open order yet.  They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be all right then.