In vain did he argue that I was not schooled in the mysteries of either steering or clutching.  Assuring him that I precious soon would be, I dragged him from his perch and took station at the helm.  Sulkily he betook himself to the stern of the vehicle, and presently it began to move.  Slowly at first, then faster and faster.  I suddenly perceived the reason of this.  We were going down-hill again, a steep hill at that, with wicked hair-pin bends in it.

The engine began to cough, the cough became chronic, developing into a galloping consumption.

“Brakes!” thought I (forgetting they were out of action), and wrenched at a handle which was offering itself.  The car jumped off the mark like a hunter at a hurdle, jumped clear away from the child (who sat down abruptly on the pave) and bolted down-hill all out.  I glimpsed the low parapet of the bend rushing towards me, an absurdly inadequate parapet, with the silvery gleam of much cold water beyond it.

I have not preserved my life (often at infinite risk) through four and a-half years of high-pressure warfare to be mauled to death by a tin car at the finish.  Not I. I got out.  As I trundled into the gutter I saw the car take the parapet in its stride, describe a graceful curve in the blue, and plunge downwards out of sight.  The child and I reached the parapet together and peered over.  Seventy feet below us the waters of the river spouted for a moment as with the force of some violent submarine explosion and then subsided.  A patch of oil came floating to the surface, accompanied by my breeches and British warm.

The child looked at me, his eyes goggling with horror.  “They won’t ’alf fry my liver for this, they won’t, not ’alf,” he gasped huskily.

I laid a kindly hand upon his shoulder.  “Not they, my lad; I’ll see to that.  Listen.  You have that slip entitling you to immediate demobilisation?” He nodded, wondering.  “Then demobilise yourself now, at once, instantly!” I cried.  “Run like blazes to Calais, Boulogne, Havre, Marseilles—­anywhere you like; only run, you little devil, run!”

“But you, Sir?” he stuttered.

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” I smiled; “I shall be quite all right.  I’m going to lay all the blame on you.”

He shot one scared glance, at me, then, picking up the skirts of his dressing-gown, scampered off down the road as fast as his ammunition boots would let him, never looking back.

PATLANDER.

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[Illustration:  ANOTHER THREATENED INDUSTRY.  CHANNEL STEWARD (infected with the prevailing strike mania).  “ANY MORE TALK ABOUT THIS TUNNEL AND I DOWN BASINS!”]

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[Illustration:  THE HUNTER BAULKED OF HIS PREY.]

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

    “They were manufacturers of aeroplanes—­in their opinion
    the best aeroplanes in the world and the most suited for
    commercial lying.”—­Provincial Paper.
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