Q. Well then, how are you to make an honest livelihood?

A. Those who are responsible for my education must answer that question.

Q. And if they can’t?

A. Then I must accept an alternative, and seek inspiration and precedents from the records of success in another walk of life, beginning with the pages of the Newgate Calendar!

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH’S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

PLATFORMULARS.

“The humble individual who now addresses you;” i.e., “I mustn’t exactly assert my superiority in so many words; this is an invitation to you to do it for me.”

DOUBTFUL RECOMMENDATION.

“Quite a wonderful wine, when you think of the price;” i.e., Good enough for you.

“He is said to have quite the biggest practice about here;” i.e., You may call him in if you like; I shouldn’t.

FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

“Poor dear Mulligan! he it quite too delightfully good-natured, don’t you know;” i.e., “A great goose who gushes, and fancies it generosity.”

“A great authority on Golf;” “An energetic bore, whose talk is all of ‘bunkers’ and ‘Mr. BALFOUR.’”

ELECTIONEERING.

“Have been asked to come forward;” i.e., “The result of ten years pushing and scheming on my part.”

A “local” man; i.e., Owns a small property in the furthest corner of the county.

“The good old cause;” i.e., Ourselves.

“Have always felt that the ——­ class are the mainstay of the country;” i.e., “Must conciliate the industrial section of constituency.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.

Frivolous Lady (making conversation).  “OH, THE ACADEMY!  I NEVER SAW SUCH RUBBISH AS THERE IS THIS YEAR!” (Suddenly remembers that the Gentleman she is talking to is an R.A.) “HAVE YOU ANYTHING THERE?”

R.A. “YES; THE FIVE BIG PICTURES YOU SAW IN MY STUDIO, AND SAID YOU COULD LIVE WITH FOR EVER!”]

* * * * *

EPITHALAMIUM.

(WESTMINSTER ABBEY, JULY 12, 1890.)

“Hymen, Io Hymen, Hymen, they do shout.” 
SPENSER, “Epithalamion.”

“Bring home the triumph of our Victory,”
Sings SPENSER.  From wide wanderings you have come
Victorious, yet, as all the world may see,
Your sweetest, crowning triumph find—­at home. 
Say, would ULYSSES care again to roam
Wed with so winning a PENELOPE
As STANLEY’S DOROTHY? 
Loyal like her of Ithaca, and dowered
With charms that in the Greek less fully flowered,
The charms of talent and of character,
Which blend in her
Who, won, long waited, and who, waiting, won
The virile, valiant son
Of our adventurous England.  May the bays
Blend well with Hymen’s roses, and long days
Of happiness and honour crown the pair
For whom to-day loud plaudits rend the air. 
“Hymen, Io Hymen, Hymen, they do shout,”—­
Health to brave DOROTHY and STANLEY stout!