Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;
  The nicest girls in all the ports
  Declare they are the best of sorts
  And useful on the tennis-courts. 
  In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,
  They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,
  And swig champagne, not pints but quarts. 
  I said at first that they were sports.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Headmaster (interviewing new boy).  “AT WHAT SCHOOL WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?”

New Boy.  “P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING T-TUTOR’S”; (feels he is not making the best of himself) “B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER THINGS BESIDES ST-T-T-TAMMERING.”]

* * * * *

WITH THE RED GUARDS.

A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management of the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that discipline does not exist.  A copy of Battalion Orders may therefore be of interest: 

BATTALION ORDERS

BY MAJOR TROTOFF

(COMMANDING THE 22ND BATTALION THE RED GUARDS).

(1) DETAIL.

Disorderly Officer—­LOOT VODKAWITCH.

Next for duty (if so disposed):  LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.

(2) PARADES.

The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement) will parade as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M. for 9.30 A.M.

DRESS.

Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and horsewhips.

The following scheme will be carried out:—­

General Idea.—­A few families of the Bourgeois class have taken up a position in certain cellars in West End of City.  Patrols report that they still possess a few valuables.

Special Idea.—­The O.C. invites the Battalion to occupy district and help itself.

(3) COMMAND.

The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that he found it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to forty-two days No. 1 F.P. for attempting to maintain discipline; the Second in Command therefore assumes command of this unit in the absence of the C.O. now serving sentence.

(4) COURSE.

Would a few officers mind being detailed for the hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House Grenades, 13th of this month?

(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF.

The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private gentlemen of the Battalion requiring boots would favour him with a visit at any time during the day or night.

If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they let him know what they take.

NOTICE.

The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has pleasure in announcing that the private residence of the Commanding Officer, which contains a large number of objects of great beauty and value, is through its owner’s unavoidable absence at present unguarded.