The man grunted, “No, Sir; I don’t think ’e was ’it; I think ’e was fed up.  ‘Call this war, do they?’ says ’e to me.  ’I call it blawsted WORK!’ I told ‘im to get on wiv it an’ do ’is whack.

“’E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down.  ’I can feel me damned ol’ malaria creepin’ over me again, Jim,’ says ’e.  ‘Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I’ll be totterin’ along there,’ says ’e.  ‘So long.’  And that was the last the regiment saw of its Beachcomber.”

* * * * *

“Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish,” I said, “but before I go tell me, how did you wangle this job?”

“Any affair of yours?” he sneered.

“No,” I admitted; “still I’m interested.”

He laughed unpleasantly.  “Yes, you would be.  Always infernally keen on minding my business for me, weren’t you?  Well, if you must know, I was convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in the next camp.  I stopped it, and the powers—­who were scared stiff—­tacked a stripe on me and told me to carry on.”

“That accounts for the stripe,” said I; “but what of the stars?”

“Oh, them!  We were behind the line down south last year laying a toy railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog.  Remember?  I pulled the Chinks together and we stopped ’em.  That’s all.”

“Good Lord, that wasn’t you, was it?” I cried.  “Set about ’em with picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped ’em to bits.  Oh, splendid!  But how on earth did you rouse these tame coolies to it?”

The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed deprecatingly.  “It wasn’t very difficult really.  You see, these birds of mine are only temporary coolies.  In civilian life they’re mostly river pirates, Tong-fighters and suchlike professional cut-throats.  Killing comes natural to ’em.  They only wanted somebody who could organize and lead ’em.”

“And you could?”

The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly.

“I should hope so.  Wasn’t I their Pirate King for seven long years?”

PATLANDER.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE.

City Magnate.  “YOU’VE CUT ME OFF!  HELL!!”

Sweet Voice from the other end.  “THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL.”]

* * * * *

SELF-DETERMINATION IN DEVON.

    “At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it
    was decided to form a local branch of the League of
    Nations.”—­Western Morning News.

Won’t WILSON be bucked?

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Little Girl (in foreground). “MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE BRIDEGROOM MUST COME TO HIS WEDDING?”]

* * * * *

THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT.