“When a Champion Batsman’s performance extolling,
  ’Tis well to distinguish, ’twixt batting and bowling!”

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EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.—­According to Mr. Punch’s sharp contemporary, the Lancet, the effect of bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt them; in fact, in course of time, to wear them away.  To the auditor the music has a contrary effect. Mr. Punch is able to say, from experience, that he has never listened to the National instrument of Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set on edge.

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[Illustration:  “IN TROUBLE.”]

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[Illustration:  HINTS FOR THE PARK.

WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS SORT?  IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS
LESS MONOTONOUS.]

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TOUTING FOR TOURISTS.

TO THE EDITOR

OF ANY PAPER THAT INSERTS GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENTS.

SIR,—­Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is widely spread and appears to be credited in some quarters, that an extensive sewage farm has been established in front of the most fashionable terrace in Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a Smallpox Hospital is about to be built upon the Pier.  “Salubrious Slushborough” still continues (in spite of the machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts.

Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH.

SIR,—­A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, from ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being disseminated to the effect, that the water-supply of Northbourne is largely tainted with typhus and diphtheria germs, and that an epidemic is already ravaging this place.  As a matter of fact, the only case of illness of any kind in this town at present is a patient brought over from Slushborough in the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the defective drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering.

I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE.

SIR,—­In view of the correspondence with regard to the present condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I feel sure, interest your readers to learn that an examination of the air of Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, reveals the fact that it contains fifty-five per cent. more ozone than is to be found on the top of Mont Blanc! I publish this piece of intelligence purely in the interests of science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take the opportunity to mention that apartments here are both good and reasonable, and the bathing first-rate.  The same analyst incidentally discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with poisonous bacteria.

Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE.