CHARIVARIA.

Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of Sir Eric Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty.  A big scoop this for the Government.

***

A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany.  The coarser varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the Imperial Government.

***

A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a music-hall comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke about the Mess in Mesopotamia.  It is feared that the recent hot weather has affected the poor fellow.

***

In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings.  The fisherman who caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at the time he would not have been in such a hurry to sign the pledge.

***

The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use of ice.  It is not generally known that after it has been warmed a little in front of the fire the stuff will keep almost indefinitely.

***

The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the telephone is said to be causing some inconvenience.  Several persons intercepted by the operator in the course of a guttural conversation have been subsequently shown to have been talking Swiss.

***

A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. Marconi to have discovered a method of bottling light.  If he can bottle anything lighter than the new Government ale his claim to be a wizard is established.

***

A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a branch post office in the Gray’s Inn Road.  It is believed that in the excitement caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched up by a customer who mistook it for his hat.

***

A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice as to what he should do with a loaf of War bread which was uneatable, as he dared not destroy it and could not eat it.  His only objection to keeping it as a pet was a fear that it would never become really fond of children, although it might in time prove a good house-guard with which to ward off burglars.

***

At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for publishing a pamphlet entitled “Questions for Parsons.”  He now contemplates a new pamphlet entitled “Back Answers to the Bench.”

***

Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite clear in Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned.  It is expected also that an attempt will be made to adjourn the War.

***

A writer in English Mechanics declares that a cornet played near caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground and die.  We understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with allotment-holders to destroy these pests by a less gruesome method.