I shall never be a great administrator or agriculturist; for though I do not mean to shirk my duties, I could not devote my whole life to them,—­for the simple reason that my aspirations aim much higher.  Sometimes I ask myself whether we Ploszowskis do not delude ourselves as to our abilities.  But if such were the case, the delusion would be only personal; other people, strangers, could not be deceived in the same way.  Besides, I know that my father is an extraordinarily gifted man.  As to myself, I will not enter more fully on the subject, as it might appear mere boastfulness; nevertheless I have the conviction that I could be something infinitely greater than I am.

For instance, at Warsaw (my father and my aunt wished me to enter the university there) Sniatynski and I were fellow-students.  We both were drawn towards literature, and tried our hand at it.  I do not say I was looked upon as the more gifted of the two, but the truth is that my work then was considered better and more promising than Sniatynski’s.  Sniatynski has for some years past occupied a prominent position in literature, and I am still the greatly promising Pan Ploszowski, of whom here and there people are wont to say:  “If he would only take up something!”

Ah! there is the rub,—­“if he would!” But they do not seem to take it into account that one has to know how to will.  I thought sometimes that if I had no means of subsistence I should have to work.  Certainly I should have to do something in order to earn my bread; but even then I am firmly convinced I should not derive the twentieth part of advantage from my capacities.  Besides, such men as Darwin or Buckle were rich; Sir John Lubbock is a banker; most of the known men in France are in easy circumstances.  This proves that wealth is not a hindrance, but rather a help towards attaining a proper standing in the chosen field of labor.  I confess that, as far as I am concerned, it has done me some service, as it preserved my character from many a crookedness poverty might have exposed it to.  I do not mean by this that I have a weak character,—­although struggle for existence might have made it stronger; but still I maintain that the less stony the road, the less chance of a fall.  It is not owing to constitutional laziness, either, that I am a nullity.  I possess alike a great facility for acquiring knowledge, and a desire for it; I read much, and have a good memory.  Perhaps I could not summon energy enough for a long, slow work, but the greater facility ought to serve instead; and besides, there is no urgent necessity for me to write encyclopedias, like Littre.  He who cannot shine with the steady light of a sun might at least dazzle as a meteor.  But oh! that nothingness of the past,—­the most probable nothingness of the future!  I am growing peevish—­and tired; and will leave off writing for to-day.

Rome, 10 January.