CHARIVARIA.

Victory is only a question of keeping cool, says Von tirpitz.  A long-suffering Fatherland anticipates no difficulty whatever in following his advice during the winter.

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A semi-official message from Berlin declares that Jerusalem was evacuated because Germany’s friends did not desire to see battles fought over sacred ground.  The Sultan of Turkey is reported to have wired to the Kaiser to think of another.

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America is still breaking all records.  A native artist has painted a picture which is said to be sixty feet by nineteen, the largest miniature ever painted in America.

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It is rumoured that at a provincial Tribunal the other day an applicant asked for a further six months’ exemption as he had a wife and a position in a butter queue to maintain.

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It seems useless to attempt to cope with the multiplicity of events in these days.  Cuba has declared war on Austria; the Kaiser threatens to make a Christmas peace offer, and Mr. George Bernard Shaw has described himself as “a mere individual.”  And this all in one week.

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According to Dean Inge, Germany is in many ways the best governed country in Europe.  She certainly seems to have a better governed clergy than ours.

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Much relief is felt at the announcement that rather than endanger the Allies’ “solidarity” Lord Lansdowne has promised not to agree with President Wilson again.

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Bloaters have reached the unprecedented price of six-pence each.  It was hoped that, at any rate, over the Christmas season they would remain within reach of the upper classes.

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A man has been charged with stealing a railway sandwich at Harwich.  It appears that the poor fellow, who was lonely, wanted to take it home as a pet.

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A contemporary has a headline, “Swearing in the New French Cabinet.”  They are beginning early.

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For adding water to his employer’s milk a dairyman’s assistant has been sent to prison.  Innocent dairymen must of course be protected.

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Smokers complain that they are discovering unfamiliar substances in their tobacco.  A sensation has been caused by the expert statement that they are tobacco.

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Orchids were sold for as little as two-pence each at a recent sale, and alarmed growers are clamouring for the immediate appointment of an Orchid Controller.

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An evening paper correspondent has complained that he has searched the shops in vain for a tortoise.  So far the various Government Departments have maintained a dignified silence.

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It is all nonsense for a contemporary to say that the blizzard in the North on a recent Saturday did no damage.  Several of the football results were delayed.