“If your prayers are answered, it’s more than ever mine were,” I retorted.

“Your prayers!” said my mother, with scorn.  “The horror of a child not yet sixteen being so hardened.  I don’t know what to make of you, you never cry or ask forgiveness.  There’s dear little Gertie now, she is often naughty, but when I correct her she frets and worries and shows herself to be a human being and not a fiend.”

So saying my mother went out of the room.

“I’ve asked forgiveness once too often, to be sat upon for my pains,” I called out.

“I believe you’re mad.  That is the only feasible excuse I can make for your conduct,” she said as a parting shot.

“Why the deuce don’t you two get to bed and not wrangle like a pair of cats in the middle of the night, disturbing a man’s rest?” came in my father’s voice from amid the bedclothes.

My mother is a good woman—­a very good woman—­and I am, I think, not quite all criminality, but we do not pull together.  I am a piece of machinery which, not understanding, my mother winds up the wrong way, setting all the wheels of my composition going in creaking discord.

She wondered why I did not cry and beg forgiveness, and thereby give evidence of being human.  I was too wrought up for tears.  Ah, that tears might have come to relieve my overburdened heart!  I took up the home-made tallow candle in its tin stick and looked at my pretty sleeping sister Gertie (she and I shared the one bed).  It was as mother had said.  If Gertie was scolded for any of her shortcomings, she immediately took refuge in tears, said she was sorry, obtained forgiveness, and straightaway forgot the whole matter.  She came within the range of mother’s understanding, I did not; she had feelings, mother thought, I had none.  Did my mother understand me, she would know that I am capable of more depths of agony and more exquisite heights of joy in one day than Gertie will experience in her whole life.

Was I mad as mother had said?  A fear took possession of me that I might be.  I certainly was utterly different to any girl I had seen or known.  What was the hot wild spirit which surged within me?  Ah, that I might weep!  I threw myself on my bed and moaned.  Why was I not like other girls?  Why was I not like Gertie?  Why were not a new dress, everyday work, and an occasional picnic sufficient to fill my mind?  My movements awakened Gertie.

“What is the matter, dear Sybylla?  Come to bed.  Mother has been scolding you.  She is always scolding some one.  That doesn’t matter.  You say you are sorry, and she won’t scold any more.  That’s what I always do.  Do get into bed.  You’ll be tired in the morning.”

“What does it matter if I will be.  I wish I would be dead.  What’s the good of a hateful thing like I am being alive.  No one wants or cares for me.”

“I love you, Sybylla, better than all the rest.  I could not do without you,” and she put her pretty face to mine and kissed me.