III.

OF THE EDITOR OF THE DAILY YAP, ON OBSERVING THAT HIS SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT IS A RETIRED LIEUT., R.N., WHO SENDS HIM THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT OF A PUSH:—­

Time:  6.0 A.M.  Course:  (approx.) E. Distance run:  1-1/2 m.  Wind:  S.W.  Force:  6.  State of land:  5 (rough, owing to craters).  Weather:  R. Therm.:  35 deg.  Bar.:  28.89.  Remarks:  Objectives attained.  Observation hampered by weather.

* * * * *

BIG GAME SHOOTING.

“Angus Bowser, the popular feed merchant of Dartmouth, shot his mouse on Thanksgiving Day.  With a couple of friends he left in auto about 1 o’clock Monday afternoon for Bowser’s Station.  The party was in the woods for about two hours when the mouse was sighted.”—­Canadian Paper.

We hope Mr. ROOSEVELT will not be jealous.

* * * * *

Extracts from a recent novel:—­

“He stepped out at Fernhurst Station, and walked up past the Grey Abbey that watched as a sentinel over the dreamy Derbyshire town....  So it was the system that was at fault, not Fernhurst.  Fairly contentedly he went back by the 3.30 from Waterloo.”

The train system which sent him to the Midlands by the South-Western was doubtless deranged by military exigencies.

* * * * *

“Although Lord Warwick is the most sympathetic and attentive of listeners, he has not remembered more than one good story, and that has now been quoted in all the papers; we mean Lord Beaconsfield story is said to be unprintable; then why tantalise Lord Rosslyn, on account of the possible effect of his language on the pack, compensated by the Commissionership of the Kirk of Scotland.  The other Beaconsfield story is said to be unprintable, then why tantalise us?”—­Saturday Review.

Why, indeed?

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE GREAT UNCONTROLLED.

LORD RHONDDA.  “LOOK HERE, JOHN, ARE YOU GOING TO TIGHTEN THAT BELT, OR
MUST I DO IT FOR YOU?”

JOHN BULL.  “YOU DO IT FOR ME.  THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THERE FOR.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Farmer.  “WHY DO THEY LET THAT CLOCK CHIME?  AREN’T THEY AFRAID THE HUNS MIGHT HEAR IT?”

Yokel.  “BLESS YOU, THAT’S TO DECEIVE ’EM.  IT’S ’ALF-A-HOUR FAST.”]

* * * * *

HOW TO BECOME A TOWN-MAJOR.

Through large and luminous glasses Second-Lieut.  St. John regards this War and its problems.  He is a man of infinite jobs.  There are few villages in France of which he has not been Town Major.  Between times he has been Intelligence Officer, Divisional Burial Officer, Divisional Disbursing Officer, Salvage Officer, Claims, Baths, Soda-water and Canteens Officer.