“Captain and Mrs. ——­ beg to return thanks for your
                       _
  Beautiful |
  Charming |
  Generous |
  Very generous |
  Useful | Gift
  Very Useful |- Cheque
  More than useful | Letter.” 
  Unexpected |
  Totally unexpected |
  Remarkable |
  Artistic |
                       _|

Examples.—­(1) To a rich and miserly uncle, who has come down with an astonishingly handsome sum—­strike out everything except “Very generous—­more than useful—­totally unexpected cheque.”

(2) To an eccentric former admirer of the bride, who has sent a forty-stanza poem, entitled “Sunset in the White-chapel Road:  Thoughts Thereon”—­strike out everything except “Remarkable gift.”

(3) To an enormously wealthy female relative, who disapproves of the bride and has sent a second-hand plated sugar-sifter—­strike out everything except “Gift.”

(4) To anyone of whom much was expected, but who neither gave a present nor wrote—­strike out everything on the postcard.

* * * * *

    “Strange Story of a Wedding in the Divorce Court.”—­Daily News.

It seems a rather unfortunate choice of locale.

* * * * *

Extract from an Indian begging-letter:—­

    “My mother is a widow, poor chap, and has a postmortem son.”

* * * * *

    “AMATEUR GENT., experienced, wanted, for week at Xmas.  All
    expenses paid.” Daily Telegraph.

Why not have a professional one and do the thing handsomely?

* * * * *

ONCE UPON A TIME.

THE LETTER.

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, an illustrious man of affairs—­soldier and statesman too—­visited our shores, and by his wise counsels so captured the imagination of his hearers and readers that one of the greatest of all compliments was paid to him, and anyone with a black cocker spaniel to name named it after him; and he had a name rather peculiarly adapted to such ends too.

It chanced that among the puppies thus made illustrious was one which a young soldier before leaving for France to win the War gave to his sister, and when writing to him, as, being a good girl, she regularly and abundantly did, she never omitted to give tidings as to how the little creature was developing; and I need hardly say that in the whole history of dogs, from TOBIT’S faithful trotting companion onwards, there never was a dog so packed with intelligence and fidelity as this.  Most girls’ dogs are perfect, but this one was more remarkable still.