IF

[Illustration:  “WE ONE AND ALL DETERMINE NOT TO CONSUME AN OUNCE MORE FOOD THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO KEEP BODY AND SOUL TOGETHER.”]

[Illustration:  “THE WAR IS, TO ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, ALREADY WON,”]

PROVIDED

[Illustration:  “THAT IN THE NEXT THREE YEARS THE WHOLE NATION MAKES SUCH A STUPENDOUS EFFORT AS WE HAVE NOT AS YET DREAMED OF,” ETC., ETC.]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Bookmaker (with long experience of the Turf but none of Coursing).  “I’M GIVIN’ YOU SIX TO FOUR AGAINST THE FAWN, SIR.  NOW I’LL GIVE ANYONE SIX TO FOUR AGAINST THE BLACK.”

Friend (hurriedly).  “BUT YOU CAN’T GIVE THOSE ODDS WITH ONLY TWO RUNNERS.”

Bookmaker.  “WHY?  AIN’T THE BLOOMIN’ RABBIT GOT A CHANCE?”]

* * * * *

NEW MEN AND OLD FACES.

    [According to a writer in The Daily Chronicle, Lord Morley’s
    face “in conformation gets more and more like Goethe’s.”]

  VISCOUNT, better known as plain JOHN MORLEY,
  As I gather from a chatty screed,
  Ever daily grows exteriorly
  (Pray forgive a rhymer’s urgent need)
  More like GOETHE—­please pronounce it “Gertie”—­
  Who expired soon after eighteen-thirty.

  But this instance is not isolated,
  As a survey of our statesmen shows;
  WINSTON now suggests a long post-dated
  DAN O’CONNELL in his mouth and nose;
  NORTHCLIFFE’s growing more Napoleonic
  Than the Corsican, though less laconic.

  In the noble lineaments of BILLING
  Shrewd observers (like myself) can trace
  Wonderful, inspiring, vivid, thrilling
  Memories of JULIUS CAESAR’S face,
  With a hint of something far more regal,
  More suggestive of the soaring eagle.

  I admit GEORGE MOORE is not yet showing
  Marked resemblance to his namesake, TOM;
  But great CHESTERTON is hourly growing
  Almost indistinguishable from
  Dr. JOHNSON; daily grows more plain
  SHAKSPEARE’S facial forecast of HALL CAINE.

  HALDANE and his spiritual brother,
  SCHOPENHAUER, that dyspeptic sage,
  Monthly grow so very like each other,
  As portrayed in MAXSE’S lurid page,
  That it passes MAXSE’S Christian charity
  To detect the least dissimilarity.

  BELLOC is approximating closely
  To the massive mien of CHARLES JAMES FOX;
  BUCHAN plagiarizes very grossly
  From the rapt expression of JOHN KNOX;
  And the LAUREATE, if his hair grew scanty
  Or he shaved his beard, might look like DANTE.

  CLARA BUTT, the eminent musician,
  Vividly resembles PERICLES;
  SARGENT and the late lamented TITIAN
  Are as like each other as two peas;
  LOREBURN, known to cronies as “Bob” Reid,
  Duplicates the Venerable BEDE.