On a certain fatal night a general alarm was given.  In due course a notification of it was conveyed to Ramstairs, and instantaneously the members of the Special Constabulary, the Kentish Fencibles and the Veterans’ Fire Brigade were summoned from their beds.  Then did Mr. Coaster realise his terrible position.  Since he belonged to all three, to which of them should he now report?  After some agonising moments of doubt he hung up his three types of headgear upon the hat-stand and, shutting his eyes, he twirled himself round twice and made a grab at them.  His hand touched the helmet of the Veterans’ Fire Brigade.  Fate had decided.  Seizing his fireman’s axe he rushed off down the street.

The result of this was inevitable.  He was dismissed with ignominy from the Special Constables and was condemned to death, with a recommendation to mercy, by a court-martial of the Kentish Fencibles.  His old friends among the Men of Kent cut him dead; the tradesmen of his platoon refused to serve him.  He had to leave Ramstairs and he retired to Ealing.  The catastrophe ruined his health.  But he still gets a little solace when, as he wipes the tears from his eyes after reading the correspondence column of his penny paper, he sees upon his waistcoat the crossed axes surmounted by a fire bucket, the emblem of the Veterans’ Fire Brigade.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Aunt (guardian of little nephew who has run away).  “EVERY COMFORT ALBERT ‘AD—­INCLUDIN’ WHITE MICE IN ’IS BEDROOM.”]

* * * * *

PARADISE REGAINED.

    “Lady tired of her clothes wishes to sell them all very
    cheaply.”—­Pioneer (Allahabad).
       * * * * *

    A STAYER.

“In this race County Cricket was left at least eight lengths and yet managed to cover up ground and was only beaten by half a week, greatest surprise to all those who noticed it.”——­Bombay Chronicle.

We gather that it was only noticed by a few spectators who happened to be staying on over the week-end.

* * * * *

From a publisher’s advertisement of Mr. CHESTERTON’S works:—­

    “A SHILLING FOR MY THOUGHTS, Fcap. 8vo. 2s. net.”

Is “G.K.C.” also among the profiteers?

* * * * *

“Private Frank Edwards, Canadian Forces, a native of Berwick, has been presented to the King as the oldest soldier on active service with the B.E.F.  He enlisted as a private in the 50’s and went right away to fight in France.”—­Edinbro’ Evening News.

We calculate that he is entitled to at least fifty-nine blue chevrons and one red.

* * * * *

[ILLUSTRATION:  BATTALION INSPECTION IN FRANCE.

MEN ARE BEING DEMOBILISED FASTER THAN OFFICERS.]