I admire the pluck, the perseverance, the indomitable energy, the ambition which produced the man of prominence from the raw boy; but, kind Heaven, let us forget for one brief moment, if we can, that he did this thing.

It is not the fact that he is a self-made man that bores us—­we honor him for that.  But it is his vain boasting—­the tactless forcing of his unwelcome personality into general conversation, his weak vanity, which demands our admiration for the toil and hardships he has undergone, which, if they had served the purpose they should have done, would have made him too strong a man, and too much of a man, to force either pity or admiration from people when it was not freely offered.

The favorite gibe of the self-made man is directed against the college graduate.  Let there be a young fellow present who is fresh from college, and let him mention any subject connected with college life, from honors to athletics, and then, if you are hostess, sit still and let the icy waves of misery creep over your sensitive soul, for this is the opportunity of his life to the self-made man.  Hear him tear colleges limb from limb, and cite all the failures of which he ever has known to be those of college men.  Hear him tell of the futile efforts of college boys to get into business.  Hear him drag in all the evidences of shattered constitutions, ruined by study, and then hold your breath; for all this is but preliminary to the telling of the story of a colossal success—­the history of the self-made man.  You might as well lean back and let him have his say, for he has only been waiting all this time for an opening in the conversation to insert the wedge of his Ego.

It seems to be the prerogative of some self-made men not only to boast of themselves, their wives, their sons, their daughters, their houses, their horses—­everything!—­but to decry all methods of achievement not their own, and all successes not won by their methods.  These are the self-made men who bring into disrepute all the grandeur and glorious achievement of their kind.  Why must they spoil it?  I implore them to assume a virtue if they have it not.  I beg them, with all their getting, to get understanding.  And if they will not open their eyes and see the anguish they are causing, if they cannot detect the fixed smile of polite endurance on the tired faces of their patient women friends, there will come a day, and we can already see its faint glimmering in the East, when we shall not care whether they are self-made, and we could even live through it if they were not made at all.

THE DYSPEPTIC

The dyspeptic generally wants to tell you all about it.  That is a bore to begin with; for nobody in the world wants to hear anybody in the world tell all about anything in the world.  Oh, those wearisome, breathless people, who insist upon giving you the tiresome details of insipid trivialities!  There is no escape from them; they are everywhere.  They are to be found on farms, in mining-camps, in women’s clubs, in churches, jails, and lunatic asylums, and the nearest approach to a release from them is to be fashionable, for in society nobody ever is allowed to finish a sentence.